Friday, December 17, 2010
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Monday, September 13, 2010
I wonder what would happen if I never forgot? If I continued doing all of those things even in good times? Jeez, it might be astoundingly awesome!! I'm gonna try it.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
"Lughnasadh is a time of personal reflection and harvest, of our actions and deeds, events and experiences, our gains and losses. A time when we begin the cycle of reflection of that which is our life. A period for personal fertility magic to ensure the bountiful harvest of life's gifts and experiences, that which we have reaped though trial, tribulation, enjoyment, joy, love and loss. As my Elder once said to me, "We can not know what we have not experienced." Such is the truth of life ö we become not by chance but by experience. Each experience opens a window into ourselves, into who we were, who we are, and whom we are choosing to become."
This past weekend my women's circle held its monthly Full Moon circle. It was perfect that the women who led this time innocently (I think) chose the topic of "Transition." At this time of the year, in regards to the Wheel, we are transitioning from a time of growth to a time of harvest. Personally, I feel that I am totally in sync with this cycle.
I was just sitting here this morning, and actually blogged about it in my unschooling blog, realizing what a strong feeling I have of change. I FEEL like I'm cycling, moving with the universe, into at time of harvest. When I look back at my blog posts here, over the past several months, I can see the acquisition of "seeds," the "planting," the "tending," the growth. Slowly, slowly (and painfully, much like giving birth) my soul has been transitioning and evolving to bring me to this point of harvest.
In the harvest I feel the benefits of the labor, the pain, the tending, the nurturing, the growth. I see the product of my labor and can now use that harvest and continue to prune and tend as these fruits continue to mature and ripen.
How I love the synchronicity that happens when you allow it. How I love this connection and the absolute knowing that all is well. My practice of being grateful in the midst of pain and perceived turmoil, in anticipation of goodness and harvest, serves me well. Sometimes we just need to grow in the darkness of the soil, in solitude, so that we can burst forth and discover who we are.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
I'm entering a new phase of self-evolution and it is hard. Exciting. But hard.
Hard to believe that I'm almost 40 and I'm still (just?) answering the questions Who Am I? What do I Want? What Do I Need?
Therapy always seems to make me feel like I'm so much worse off then I thought. Funny how before therapy I might feel like I have some issues to work on, etc., but that I'm pretty ok. After starting therapy I feel like a crazy mess! lol
It's all good. It's all my creating of my self. I'm remembering Who I Am and am remembering that it is me who creates my experience. It's all in how I choose to create it. It's pretty damn exciting, really, if you think about it. If I don't like what I've created thus far, I can just change it. I can just create anew! What a wonderful thing that is.
Today I am grateful for my experience and for being exactly where I am. It is no accident that I have arrived in the space I'm living in today (body, mind, and spirit). It's all good. All IS well.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Ahhhhh, Solstice yesterday was so lovely! It was a much needed, energizing day filled with sun, warmth, friends, fire, fairy wands, bubbles, sparklers, food, music, and wonderful energy. I absolutely love to walk into my backyard and see it filled with people I love, children, talking, and laughing. It makes my soul so happy. And after the challenges I've been facing, it was really so needed. A gathering like this is always so worth all the work!
From a Witchvox article: "It is through this season that we can see the beauty of life, the intensity of being, the rapture of passion, the exhilaration of awareness, possibilities of creation and the surprising tenderness of love. For it is passion and love that have driven humankind to realize some of its greatest treasures and its most extreme violations. It is only through awareness and conscious action that passion can bring us to the zenith of existence. This is the time to experience our passions and the force within, to be conscious of how we use them and the gifts they can bring and experience our own true power."
Bright Blessings to you and yours!!
Monday, June 14, 2010
Friday, June 4, 2010
Monday, May 31, 2010
Another, who I had/have detached from, and who was choosing a different path, is now maybe seeing that the path they have chosen isn't the one they really want...or the one that is healthiest for them. So, I can feel this person gravitating back to a path similar to mine. This is a good thing for that person. It is a "better" path from the one she was choosing. I am relieved and hopeful for her and want her to be well...for herself.
The difficulty of this is that now things have changed. I have changed and am continuing to change. I am beginning to like who I am and where I am and what I am becoming. I am able to breathe in my home, to feel calm and at peace, and to not have fear.
What I have always wanted was to journey along side of this person. To experience joy, serenity, calm, and adventure together. That was what I chose 11+ years ago. And that is what I was committed to. But, now, having felt hurt, rejected and abandoned, I am really apprehensive and fearful. I do not want fear to be a part of my experience any longer. So, while a large part of my Self still wants to walk with this person, there is another part that knows it will really take time before we are walking side by side. And, I know that we may never be that again, even if we are on the same path.
So, my difficulty now is staying focused on who I am, where I am, and where I am going. My difficulty is to not change any of those things I am doing, just because she may be jumping back onto this road that I'm on (and that many others are on, too). I am responsible for my journey and my journey only. I cannot change what I'm doing, to please another person, anymore.
I am now committed to a relationship with my SELF. It is a monogamous relationship. I am my life partner. What I need is to nurture that relationship for awhile. Alone. And, when I'm ready and steadfast in that relationship, then I can open up to another person again. My hope today is that the other person will be my soulmate that I have lost....because today I do believe that we are still soulmates....by I'm TRUSTING in my God/dess that more will be revealed and that what is to be will be. I need to be open to what the Universe has in store for me. In the meantime, I am remaining true to my Self and just Being exactly where I am.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Last night's "theme" was "Release & Welcome." It ended up being very good for me (and I hope for the other participants. I only released one thing (actually a person) out into the universe (on a little paper boat in the meditation) and it felt like an ending of sorts. Not that I won't feel any emotions about it anymore, now, but it felt like kind of a final release. That's good.
The flip side of the theme was the "Welcome," meaning inviting something into our experience, something we want, need, hope for, etc. I invited "independence." I'm excited to see how that manifests.
I feel like I'm growing and changing. I feel like I'm freed kind of. I feel terribly sad and heartbroken, but I'm getting to the other side of that slowly. Nurturing my spiritual self has given me back my TRUST that I'm right where I should be and that things will be ok. I don't know what is in my future, but I've let go of control of that and am choosing to just TRUST.
When I put the person I was releasing on the little paper boat in the visualization, I did so gently and lovingly. I wish her safety, love, and happiness. I wish her health and hope for nothing less then the best for her. I watched her float away in my mind and along with my sadness I felt like this was a gift for both of us. I'm not quite sure what that means, but it was how I felt. I trust that God/Goddess/Universe has us both in the light and whatever is to happen will happen and it will be good and right. Maybe our souls will find each other again....maybe not.
Friday, May 21, 2010
it's interesting how emotions are. to go from one to the other so quickly. to feel happy and then remember, and feel sad. to feel anxious at the same time that you snuggle with your little one and feel content. to be afraid, while feeling so strong and confident. i understand why people call things "an emotional roller coaster."
mostly, though, as days pass and life continues and i say "hello" to myself in the mirror, i feel ok. i will be ok. it's crazy to be almost 40 and realize that i don't know myself outside of a relationship. wow. so, i do admit that i'm fascinated at that and am (dare i say) enjoying that.
i feel like i'm finally getting to a place of balance. i'm finding my center again. life is going on and more is being revealed everyday. my children are wise and they help me immensely. they know me so well.
i'm excited to be working again on my spiritual self and connecting in that way. i've been caught up in dysfunction and another person's misery for awhile. we were *stuck* in this negative place together. suddenly things are freed and moving again. i'm grateful for that. i've learned once again that when i let go and move out of the way, the energy flows.
i'm not done feeling my emotions. i feel a little tingle of anger right now as i type this. and in a minute i'll probably feel sad. but that's ok today! i can feel it ALL and trust that it will all pass and that i'll get through it. i don't have to cover it up with anything, i don't have to make it go away or use some substance to block it. i can FEEL....and even though i don't like it, it's part of being alive and i know that there's another feeling right around the corner. you just can't stay in one feeling for two long. my dog will jump up and lick me while i'm crying, or james will put his little hands on my face and say, "don't be sad mama, you are happy!" and then i smile and feel so grateful to be exactly where i am.
Monday, May 10, 2010
I think I'm more afraid then I really thought I was. I am a pretty balanced person, I've come a long way (with a long way to go), but I still have so much fear. It seems that fear is just a state of being that I'm not sure ever totally goes away. I try not to live in it and work constantly at rising above it, but there is is. I'm not even sure what it is I'm afraid of.
I sit here by myself, now, and I feel uncomfortable. I feel like I don't know where to go or what to do. So, I just sit and try to be. I wonder, now, if I know myself at all. After years of being in a committed relationship, I wonder who I am....just me, alone, with no adult companion. And it scares me for some reason.
I feel angry. I'm not comfortable with anger at all. I don't like it and don't really feel it often. But I sit here feeling angry and rejected and confused.
I know that I will be ok. I know that I'll go through this grieving process and that I'll come out on the other side. That doesn't make me feel any better, though. Because right now I am sad and heartbroken. Right now I am in pain and just want to rewind to a time when things were better and I at least knew that no matter what else was going on in our world, we had each other.
I'm almost 40. And what I thought was real and true and something I could count on, is gone. It's amazing how life can unravel in the blink of an eye.
Friday, May 7, 2010
once i see, though....once i know the truth and understand and really let go, there's such freedom. it's like watching the clouds part and seeing that ray of sunshine blast through, full force. and then in that letting go i can feel spirit and light and energy that fills and excites me. the possibilities are endless. who am i? who will i become? what's next on my journey?
so, now i enter a time of reflection and quiet. a time to look at the past 11 years and where they have taken me, how they have changed me...what do i want to take with me from them, and what do i want to change or totally discard? i feel a new love for the person who travelled with me for 11 years...a different love...i'm grateful for "us" and for the lessons we taught each other, the love we shared and the role we played in each other's lives. i feel sorry for how we hurt each other, held each other back, created our own cycle of dysfunction, most of the time without even knowing. one of us, now, has stepped out of that cycle. the dance is over and we're standing alone on different paths.
my path is full of beautiful, amazing children...strong, beautiful women...a loving family...light and energy...recovery...the beauty and spirit of nature...hope...love...and more and more. i cry, i grieve, i resent, i smile...the bundle of emotions that always seem to come together. but what i know is that I will be ok and that i have so much to look forward to.
i can't wait to see what happens next.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Thursday, April 1, 2010
I need this tattooed on my forehead....no, i wouldn't see it there....i need it on my arm.
i'm starting to do this chant....did it this morning and felt immediately calmer and more centered. practice practice practice...
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Relationships are hard. Relationships are confusing. There is never any black and white when it comes to real, meaningful, deep relationship. When a relationship is difficult and I have made up my mind that I just can't continue, I get a loving text from that person, or some profound words are said that make me think....well.....maybe it's not that bad......
It is easy, when talking to a best friend, or when spending a whole evening/night alone, to be absolutely certain about how I feel. It's easy to think, "Hell with that! I'm done, I can't be in this anymore!" But then, in the light of day, in our 3yos face, in our home that we've shared...I am again uncertain, in love, and thinking, "but, what if......."
I guess that's the thing. There just isn't a definitive answer...a right or wrong...an easy out. I think that humans have become very stupid. Humans have been misled to think that it's just all about what we want. If we don't like something, we simply get rid of it. If something makes us uncomfortable, we discard it. If something is difficult, we stop doing it. Relationships have become disposable.
But....on the other hand....(see, there it is!)......if I am to be true to myself, if I am creating an experience of Love and Joy and Honesty, and Trust.....and my relationship seems out of sync with that....do I hold on to the relationship, do I try to make it fit into my experience, or do I let it go?
See? It's not so easy.
My desire is that my partner and I create an experience together. I'm willing to adjust some of my visions to allow for hers. I do not need to control or for her to give up herself in favor of my desires.
But (but but but but)....when do you stop waiting? It seems that at some point, my experience has become an experience of waiting. Waiting for this situation to be over. Waiting until we're out of this situation. Waiting for this problem to pass. Waiting for this or that. Waiting waiting waiting. We are not BEING we are waiting. There's always something (that feels unreachable) in the future....when this happens, things will be better. I am beginning to wonder if that is true or if this is it. If we are always waiting or expecting then we are not BEING and experiencing.
On the other hand (how many hands do i have?)....If I expect to be allowed to be WHO I AM and I am being true to myself, then is that not true for my partner? Do I not need to allow her to be who she is at this moment, allow her to be true to herself? Why is it ok for me to say, "Well, sorry babe, I need to be true to myself and be who I am, and your being who you are at this moment just is a real drag on that....."?? Is not relationship partly about accepting where your partner is, in the hard times, going through that with them?
Unless, it infringes on your ability to be who you are.....
and round and round it goes.......there is no answer is there?
Thursday, January 21, 2010
A conversation began online, regarding how we wanted to go about further creating the circle. Do we want to freely invite people? Do we want to discuss invitations first? Do we want to not invite anyone else and keep it small and only for those who already were here? Different women voiced their feelings on it and I felt myself feeling very intent on keeping it small and only inviting people after everyone agreed. It felt very important to me, although I could see the value in opening it up to more people and making it more casual and free.
What I now see is that I felt like I needed to control what happened with the circle because of my past experiences. I think that because of fear, I thought that if I could just perfectly orchestrate this experience then it would be perfect and safe. What I was missing was the fact that you cannot orchestrate experiences like this that involve other individuals with their own thoughts, opinions, and needs. If I try to do that, I'll probably find myself in a circle alone.
So, I decided to let go of my "control" (I put that in quotes because I didn't really have any) and my fear of the unknown. I decided to open myself up to the possibilities. I chose to TRUST that how this circle comes together and creates itself will be good and as it should be. I suggested that we just be more open about it; if we felt like inviting someone that we think will benefit the circle or be benefited by it, then we should do that. We "should" still pay attention to size and really be intentional about who we invite, but we shouldn't feel like it has to be secret or like we can't invite a friend that we think would like it.
Everyone was good with that, except for one woman. She still felt uncomfortable because she *knew* that she still could probably not mention the circle to one friend of hers.....and the reason for that was because her friend and I used to be very close friends and had a painful and dramatic separation a couple of years ago. So she still felt like she had to hide the circle since she couldn't invite her friend and was uncomfortable with that. She was saying that she just wasn't going to come because she really felt uncomfortable.
I kind of sat with how I felt with this for a few moments and realized that what had happened between this woman and I, years ago, just did not matter anymore and that I had still been holding on to it. I had been allowing my own fear, anger, and other friends' words/emotions to take me away from who I really am. For years I have not been true to myself and have held on to resentment against this woman. All this negative energy has been nurtured and put out and it just made me feel very sick all of a sudden when I realized it. I realized that what happened was twisted into something that was not even necessarily the truth and that we all had a part in the situation. And, because I am going through so much spiritual and personal change right now, I even identify and understand where this friend was when all of this happened and I have some empathy and feel that I can relate with her right now.
I wrote a private message to my friend who was going to pull out of the circle because of her discomfort and told her that she does not have to feel uncomfortable, she does not have to hide anything; she can tell her friend about it and even invite her if she feels like she wants to.
The moment I hit "Send" I felt such a RELEASE. I immediately started crying and felt so freed from all the negative and angry feelings that had been with me for years. I suddenly felt that I had just taken a stand for WHO I AM and that I can now move on to who I will become.
I'm not going to go call this old friend, I don't feel compelled to invite her for tea. But, I feel at peace with the situation and willing to share circle with her if that were to happen. I feel FREE and whole and like this was a really important thing for me to do for my SELF.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Friday, January 15, 2010
When I am spending all my time speaking, I am blocking out the messages coming from other people, nature, and my higher self. So often, I find myself thinking of what I am going to say rather then being quiet and just being in that moment, hearing what is being said to me. There is no room for wisdom, enlightenment, and messages if I am always speaking.
I have been very consciously practicing this and let me tell you, it's freakin hard!!! I am a talker. I enjoy conversation, I love to analyze, I say the same thing in 20 different ways (just ask my kids...it's kind of a running joke). I enjoy talking. And I think that's ok....sometimes. But other times I just exhaust myself and I start to feel like all I hear is my own voice. And then I just crave quiet. I crave hearing other people. So, I consciously just stop. I quiet myself. And in those moments I usually hear something valuable or important. Even if it's not some profound message....it may just be hearing my quiet house....but when that silence comes, I am able to really just be in the moment.
I struggle with technology as well. For someone like me, it is really hard to balance. Now there is another way to communicate and we are given another voice. We post in blogs, on facebook, in emails, on forums....our voice is EVERYWHERE and we have this running script in our heads. Technology really adds to that challenge of being quiet and just BEING, for me.
So, I turn off the computer. I stop talking and I try to just be still and listen....listen for whatever it is I am to hear. I look at the person next to me and listen to THEIR words and really hear them. I quiet my mind and really listen, rather then thinking of what I'm going to say in response. I practice and practice and hope that someday I will find a perfect balance.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
It's hard to just "be" when there are so many things happening around you that are challenging. It's hard to spend instrospective time when you are constantly being pulled out of yourself. As a mother of four, homeschooling, taking care of the home, the animals, the partner, etc., etc., it is a challenge to allow my spirit to take this time to be quiet. I find myself stealing moments and just relishing them....5 minutes, 3 minutes, 1/2 hour. Those moments are enough, it seems, or they have to be.
So, I look for balance...the ability to nurture my self and my spirit, while caring for my family and taking care of responsibilities. Allowing my self some quiet and introspective time, while being present to those around me.
And always I remember that I am an individual woman who is having this experience at this moment. This experience will change so I give myself fully to it.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
This intention is inspired by the Perennial Course in Living Druidry.
To allow myself to rise above the fear I have in the dark, I've been trying to take walks, and walk around my house with the lights off. I think some of the fear is just a natural, animal instinct, but when you go past that you realize that it's just dark, there's nothing different there than when it is light. It's fascinating to feel your eyes adjust to the darkness. Humans don't have very good eyesight in the dark, but I'm starting to believe that it can be learned to some extent.
The dark months allow for introspection, quiet, hibernating, and a halt to the energy that is higher in the warm months. To allow yourself to sink into that and embrace it is a cathartic experience. I am discovering things in the dark, about myself. I am discovering nature in a different way, in the dark.
If you walk in the woods at night, the energy and visual experience is so different. I especially have loved it on these nights when it's snowy. The dark trees contrasting with the bright snow...night-time has a certain "light" of it's own. And the silence. Darkness is like a blanket thrown over the world, allowing the magical creatures to emerge and play. Under this shroud of black, because you can feel more then see, the energy is different. I can feel the magic of the place, the trees whispering to each other, the crack of sticks as some creature walks. My senses heighten because I am virtually without sight. The silence can be deafening.
I almost don't want to leave this season. I find comfort in the dark and know that in itself, darkness is not something to be feared. And, in some ways, I feel safer there, under cover, able to move freely and very possibly never be seen.