Saturday, January 23, 2010

a whole lot of gray area

Do you ever go back and forth between feelings about something? I'm sure we all do. On one hand we feel really strongly one way....but then on the other hand....and round and round it goes. And sometimes the more you analyze it and think about it the more confusing it gets until you just don't know how you feel about it at all.

Relationships are hard. Relationships are confusing. There is never any black and white when it comes to real, meaningful, deep relationship. When a relationship is difficult and I have made up my mind that I just can't continue, I get a loving text from that person, or some profound words are said that make me think....well.....maybe it's not that bad......

It is easy, when talking to a best friend, or when spending a whole evening/night alone, to be absolutely certain about how I feel. It's easy to think, "Hell with that! I'm done, I can't be in this anymore!" But then, in the light of day, in our 3yos face, in our home that we've shared...I am again uncertain, in love, and thinking, "but, what if......."

I guess that's the thing. There just isn't a definitive answer...a right or easy out. I think that humans have become very stupid. Humans have been misled to think that it's just all about what we want. If we don't like something, we simply get rid of it. If something makes us uncomfortable, we discard it. If something is difficult, we stop doing it. Relationships have become disposable.

But....on the other hand....(see, there it is!)......if I am to be true to myself, if I am creating an experience of Love and Joy and Honesty, and Trust.....and my relationship seems out of sync with I hold on to the relationship, do I try to make it fit into my experience, or do I let it go?

See? It's not so easy.

My desire is that my partner and I create an experience together. I'm willing to adjust some of my visions to allow for hers. I do not need to control or for her to give up herself in favor of my desires.

But (but but but but)....when do you stop waiting? It seems that at some point, my experience has become an experience of waiting. Waiting for this situation to be over. Waiting until we're out of this situation. Waiting for this problem to pass. Waiting for this or that. Waiting waiting waiting. We are not BEING we are waiting. There's always something (that feels unreachable) in the future....when this happens, things will be better. I am beginning to wonder if that is true or if this is it. If we are always waiting or expecting then we are not BEING and experiencing.

On the other hand (how many hands do i have?)....If I expect to be allowed to be WHO I AM and I am being true to myself, then is that not true for my partner? Do I not need to allow her to be who she is at this moment, allow her to be true to herself? Why is it ok for me to say, "Well, sorry babe, I need to be true to myself and be who I am, and your being who you are at this moment just is a real drag on that....."?? Is not relationship partly about accepting where your partner is, in the hard times, going through that with them?

Unless, it infringes on your ability to be who you are.....

and round and round it goes.......there is no answer is there?


  1. There may not be an answer, and the waiting game is a pain, but I think if you let go of the idea of waiting you can just be yourself in most situations. Think outside the box just a little bit more, and you might get there.

    If a relationship is worth keeping, both people have to really want to let the other person be him or herself. It is so tricky. There might not always be mesh. There might not always even be togetherness. But there is always a wish that the other will be complete and happy and him or herself.

    I am in a relationship, and right now, I need some things that my partner doesn't want for herself. (Alone time, really long (like possibly days) hikes by myself.) It was hard to verbalize this to her, but I did, and it was OK. She would miss me, but we would still on some level be "us." I am not in a position to do this right now, but just knowing it is a possibility is a help to me.

    There is no right answer. I don't think to really help here. Your blog post just caught my attention, and I wanted to reply. Listen to your heart, and whatever you do take baby-steps. I do not believe that their are right and wrong paths, only different ways of getting to the same place in the end.

  2. thank you so much for your words! i'd love to hear more and maybe dialogue about it some if you're open.