Monday, May 10, 2010

growth and pain

I know, from all my years in recovery, that the greater the pain, the bigger the growth. But, gosh, I wish it didn't have to be that way. And, when this current trauma is over, I'd better be one hell of an awesome human! lol

I think I'm more afraid then I really thought I was. I am a pretty balanced person, I've come a long way (with a long way to go), but I still have so much fear. It seems that fear is just a state of being that I'm not sure ever totally goes away. I try not to live in it and work constantly at rising above it, but there is is. I'm not even sure what it is I'm afraid of.

I sit here by myself, now, and I feel uncomfortable. I feel like I don't know where to go or what to do. So, I just sit and try to be. I wonder, now, if I know myself at all. After years of being in a committed relationship, I wonder who I am....just me, alone, with no adult companion. And it scares me for some reason.

I feel angry. I'm not comfortable with anger at all. I don't like it and don't really feel it often. But I sit here feeling angry and rejected and confused.

I know that I will be ok. I know that I'll go through this grieving process and that I'll come out on the other side. That doesn't make me feel any better, though. Because right now I am sad and heartbroken. Right now I am in pain and just want to rewind to a time when things were better and I at least knew that no matter what else was going on in our world, we had each other.

I'm almost 40. And what I thought was real and true and something I could count on, is gone. It's amazing how life can unravel in the blink of an eye.

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