I am right where I should be.

a whole lot of gray area

Do you ever go back and forth between feelings about something? I'm sure we all do. On one hand we feel really strongly one way....but then on the other hand....and round and round it goes. And sometimes the more you analyze it and think about it the more confusing it gets until you just don't know how you feel about it at all.

Relationships are hard. Relationships are confusing. There is never any black and white when it comes to real, meaningful, deep relationship. When a relationship is difficult and I have made up my mind that I just can't continue, I get a loving text from that person, or some profound words are said that make me think....well.....maybe it's not that bad......

It is easy, when talking to a best friend, or when spending a whole evening/night alone, to be absolutely certain about how I feel. It's easy to think, "Hell with that! I'm done, I can't be in this anymore!" But then, in the light of day, in our 3yos face, in our home that we've shared...I am again uncertain, in love, and thinking, "but, what if......."

I guess that's the thing. There just isn't a definitive answer...a right or wrong...an easy out. I think that humans have become very stupid. Humans have been misled to think that it's just all about what we want. If we don't like something, we simply get rid of it. If something makes us uncomfortable, we discard it. If something is difficult, we stop doing it. Relationships have become disposable.

But....on the other hand....(see, there it is!)......if I am to be true to myself, if I am creating an experience of Love and Joy and Honesty, and Trust.....and my relationship seems out of sync with that....do I hold on to the relationship, do I try to make it fit into my experience, or do I let it go?

See? It's not so easy.

My desire is that my partner and I create an experience together. I'm willing to adjust some of my visions to allow for hers. I do not need to control or for her to give up herself in favor of my desires.

But (but but but but)....when do you stop waiting? It seems that at some point, my experience has become an experience of waiting. Waiting for this situation to be over. Waiting until we're out of this situation. Waiting for this problem to pass. Waiting for this or that. Waiting waiting waiting. We are not BEING we are waiting. There's always something (that feels unreachable) in the future....when this happens, things will be better. I am beginning to wonder if that is true or if this is it. If we are always waiting or expecting then we are not BEING and experiencing.

On the other hand (how many hands do i have?)....If I expect to be allowed to be WHO I AM and I am being true to myself, then is that not true for my partner? Do I not need to allow her to be who she is at this moment, allow her to be true to herself? Why is it ok for me to say, "Well, sorry babe, I need to be true to myself and be who I am, and your being who you are at this moment just is a real drag on that....."?? Is not relationship partly about accepting where your partner is, in the hard times, going through that with them?

Unless, it infringes on your ability to be who you are.....

and round and round it goes.......there is no answer is there?

Letting Go

Some women and I recently began the creation of a Womyn's Circle; a safe place to gather and nurture our body, mind, and spirit, once a month. We had our first Circle on Sunday and it was great (I thought). The energy was good, it felt sacred and right.

A conversation began online, regarding how we wanted to go about further creating the circle. Do we want to freely invite people? Do we want to discuss invitations first? Do we want to not invite anyone else and keep it small and only for those who already were here? Different women voiced their feelings on it and I felt myself feeling very intent on keeping it small and only inviting people after everyone agreed. It felt very important to me, although I could see the value in opening it up to more people and making it more casual and free.

What I now see is that I felt like I needed to control what happened with the circle because of my past experiences. I think that because of fear, I thought that if I could just perfectly orchestrate this experience then it would be perfect and safe. What I was missing was the fact that you cannot orchestrate experiences like this that involve other individuals with their own thoughts, opinions, and needs. If I try to do that, I'll probably find myself in a circle alone.

So, I decided to let go of my "control" (I put that in quotes because I didn't really have any) and my fear of the unknown. I decided to open myself up to the possibilities. I chose to TRUST that how this circle comes together and creates itself will be good and as it should be. I suggested that we just be more open about it; if we felt like inviting someone that we think will benefit the circle or be benefited by it, then we should do that. We "should" still pay attention to size and really be intentional about who we invite, but we shouldn't feel like it has to be secret or like we can't invite a friend that we think would like it.

Everyone was good with that, except for one woman. She still felt uncomfortable because she *knew* that she still could probably not mention the circle to one friend of hers.....and the reason for that was because her friend and I used to be very close friends and had a painful and dramatic separation a couple of years ago. So she still felt like she had to hide the circle since she couldn't invite her friend and was uncomfortable with that. She was saying that she just wasn't going to come because she really felt uncomfortable.

I kind of sat with how I felt with this for a few moments and realized that what had happened between this woman and I, years ago, just did not matter anymore and that I had still been holding on to it. I had been allowing my own fear, anger, and other friends' words/emotions to take me away from who I really am. For years I have not been true to myself and have held on to resentment against this woman. All this negative energy has been nurtured and put out and it just made me feel very sick all of a sudden when I realized it. I realized that what happened was twisted into something that was not even necessarily the truth and that we all had a part in the situation. And, because I am going through so much spiritual and personal change right now, I even identify and understand where this friend was when all of this happened and I have some empathy and feel that I can relate with her right now.

I wrote a private message to my friend who was going to pull out of the circle because of her discomfort and told her that she does not have to feel uncomfortable, she does not have to hide anything; she can tell her friend about it and even invite her if she feels like she wants to.

The moment I hit "Send" I felt such a RELEASE. I immediately started crying and felt so freed from all the negative and angry feelings that had been with me for years. I suddenly felt that I had just taken a stand for WHO I AM and that I can now move on to who I will become.

I'm not going to go call this old friend, I don't feel compelled to invite her for tea. But, I feel at peace with the situation and willing to share circle with her if that were to happen. I feel FREE and whole and like this was a really important thing for me to do for my SELF.

I really thinking I'm learning. It's really neat to see yourself do something differently and to realize, "hey, I'm changing and becoming more who I want to be!" Not to mention it is really a relief. It's so freeing when you let go of something and just STOP and let things happen.

All is well.

Shhhhhh

I'm thinking again about silence. Over the years, it has become really clear to me that one of my life lessons this time around is one of learning to be quiet. Over and over I am reminded that I need to spend more time in quiet. Whether I need to listen more to others, or listen more to my own inner voice, this is a lesson that I know I am to learn in this lifetime.

When I am spending all my time speaking, I am blocking out the messages coming from other people, nature, and my higher self. So often, I find myself thinking of what I am going to say rather then being quiet and just being in that moment, hearing what is being said to me. There is no room for wisdom, enlightenment, and messages if I am always speaking.

I have been very consciously practicing this and let me tell you, it's freakin hard!!! I am a talker. I enjoy conversation, I love to analyze, I say the same thing in 20 different ways (just ask my kids...it's kind of a running joke). I enjoy talking. And I think that's ok....sometimes. But other times I just exhaust myself and I start to feel like all I hear is my own voice. And then I just crave quiet. I crave hearing other people. So, I consciously just stop. I quiet myself. And in those moments I usually hear something valuable or important. Even if it's not some profound message....it may just be hearing my quiet house....but when that silence comes, I am able to really just be in the moment.

I struggle with technology as well. For someone like me, it is really hard to balance. Now there is another way to communicate and we are given another voice. We post in blogs, on facebook, in emails, on forums....our voice is EVERYWHERE and we have this running script in our heads. Technology really adds to that challenge of being quiet and just BEING, for me.

So, I turn off the computer. I stop talking and I try to just be still and listen....listen for whatever it is I am to hear. I look at the person next to me and listen to THEIR words and really hear them. I quiet my mind and really listen, rather then thinking of what I'm going to say in response. I practice and practice and hope that someday I will find a perfect balance.

Snow and Being

Today I sat with the snow. It was SO light and beautiful. I love when the flakes are so big and just floating gently down to earth. It's so calming and peaceful. It's not hard to enjoy winter when there's snow on the ground.

It's hard to just "be" when there are so many things happening around you that are challenging. It's hard to spend instrospective time when you are constantly being pulled out of yourself. As a mother of four, homeschooling, taking care of the home, the animals, the partner, etc., etc., it is a challenge to allow my spirit to take this time to be quiet. I find myself stealing moments and just relishing them....5 minutes, 3 minutes, 1/2 hour. Those moments are enough, it seems, or they have to be.

So, I look for balance...the ability to nurture my self and my spirit, while caring for my family and taking care of responsibilities. Allowing my self some quiet and introspective time, while being present to those around me.

And always I remember that I am an individual woman who is having this experience at this moment. This experience will change so I give myself fully to it.

an "assignment" for myself (and you, if you want!)

I intend to take time each day to spend simply BEING or BEING WITH. It isn't necessary that I am alone; i can be with a tree, a stone, an apple, the moonlight, or the rain. The point is to BE and feel each moment, where I am, as it passes through and around me. This season is not the time to try to achieve a goal or take action....nature is calling me to be still and present. So, that is what I intend to do through the New Moon and beyond.

This intention is inspired by the Perennial Course in Living Druidry.

Dark

I've been spending this moon cycle really trying to connect with the dark. December and the winter months are a great time for doing this. Our society has made darkness a symbol of evil, negativity, and fear. It's unfortunate since there is so much mystery, magic, and potential in the darkness.

To allow myself to rise above the fear I have in the dark, I've been trying to take walks, and walk around my house with the lights off. I think some of the fear is just a natural, animal instinct, but when you go past that you realize that it's just dark, there's nothing different there than when it is light. It's fascinating to feel your eyes adjust to the darkness. Humans don't have very good eyesight in the dark, but I'm starting to believe that it can be learned to some extent.

The dark months allow for introspection, quiet, hibernating, and a halt to the energy that is higher in the warm months. To allow yourself to sink into that and embrace it is a cathartic experience. I am discovering things in the dark, about myself. I am discovering nature in a different way, in the dark.

If you walk in the woods at night, the energy and visual experience is so different. I especially have loved it on these nights when it's snowy. The dark trees contrasting with the bright snow...night-time has a certain "light" of it's own. And the silence. Darkness is like a blanket thrown over the world, allowing the magical creatures to emerge and play. Under this shroud of black, because you can feel more then see, the energy is different. I can feel the magic of the place, the trees whispering to each other, the crack of sticks as some creature walks. My senses heighten because I am virtually without sight. The silence can be deafening.

I almost don't want to leave this season. I find comfort in the dark and know that in itself, darkness is not something to be feared. And, in some ways, I feel safer there, under cover, able to move freely and very possibly never be seen.