A conversation began online, regarding how we wanted to go about further creating the circle. Do we want to freely invite people? Do we want to discuss invitations first? Do we want to not invite anyone else and keep it small and only for those who already were here? Different women voiced their feelings on it and I felt myself feeling very intent on keeping it small and only inviting people after everyone agreed. It felt very important to me, although I could see the value in opening it up to more people and making it more casual and free.
What I now see is that I felt like I needed to control what happened with the circle because of my past experiences. I think that because of fear, I thought that if I could just perfectly orchestrate this experience then it would be perfect and safe. What I was missing was the fact that you cannot orchestrate experiences like this that involve other individuals with their own thoughts, opinions, and needs. If I try to do that, I'll probably find myself in a circle alone.
So, I decided to let go of my "control" (I put that in quotes because I didn't really have any) and my fear of the unknown. I decided to open myself up to the possibilities. I chose to TRUST that how this circle comes together and creates itself will be good and as it should be. I suggested that we just be more open about it; if we felt like inviting someone that we think will benefit the circle or be benefited by it, then we should do that. We "should" still pay attention to size and really be intentional about who we invite, but we shouldn't feel like it has to be secret or like we can't invite a friend that we think would like it.
Everyone was good with that, except for one woman. She still felt uncomfortable because she *knew* that she still could probably not mention the circle to one friend of hers.....and the reason for that was because her friend and I used to be very close friends and had a painful and dramatic separation a couple of years ago. So she still felt like she had to hide the circle since she couldn't invite her friend and was uncomfortable with that. She was saying that she just wasn't going to come because she really felt uncomfortable.
I kind of sat with how I felt with this for a few moments and realized that what had happened between this woman and I, years ago, just did not matter anymore and that I had still been holding on to it. I had been allowing my own fear, anger, and other friends' words/emotions to take me away from who I really am. For years I have not been true to myself and have held on to resentment against this woman. All this negative energy has been nurtured and put out and it just made me feel very sick all of a sudden when I realized it. I realized that what happened was twisted into something that was not even necessarily the truth and that we all had a part in the situation. And, because I am going through so much spiritual and personal change right now, I even identify and understand where this friend was when all of this happened and I have some empathy and feel that I can relate with her right now.
I wrote a private message to my friend who was going to pull out of the circle because of her discomfort and told her that she does not have to feel uncomfortable, she does not have to hide anything; she can tell her friend about it and even invite her if she feels like she wants to.
The moment I hit "Send" I felt such a RELEASE. I immediately started crying and felt so freed from all the negative and angry feelings that had been with me for years. I suddenly felt that I had just taken a stand for WHO I AM and that I can now move on to who I will become.
I'm not going to go call this old friend, I don't feel compelled to invite her for tea. But, I feel at peace with the situation and willing to share circle with her if that were to happen. I feel FREE and whole and like this was a really important thing for me to do for my SELF.