Friday, May 7, 2010

and the skies opened up

i wonder why us humans are so slow to learn? i mean, really. why does it take YEARS to learn something. why do we hold on and hold on and hold on, fingernails bloody from grasping and clutching, when the freedom and truth is in the letting go? i guess i should ask why I do that. in the big picture, i believe that the things that happen are all relevant and necessary to my experience for whatever reason. nothing is for nothing. but i wish it just didn't have to be so damn painful. and i wish that the painful learning didn't take so long. i hope that as i learn about myself and become more evolved that it won't take so long. that's my experience with other things, anyways.

once i see, though....once i know the truth and understand and really let go, there's such freedom. it's like watching the clouds part and seeing that ray of sunshine blast through, full force. and then in that letting go i can feel spirit and light and energy that fills and excites me. the possibilities are endless. who am i? who will i become? what's next on my journey?

so, now i enter a time of reflection and quiet. a time to look at the past 11 years and where they have taken me, how they have changed me...what do i want to take with me from them, and what do i want to change or totally discard? i feel a new love for the person who travelled with me for 11 years...a different love...i'm grateful for "us" and for the lessons we taught each other, the love we shared and the role we played in each other's lives. i feel sorry for how we hurt each other, held each other back, created our own cycle of dysfunction, most of the time without even knowing. one of us, now, has stepped out of that cycle. the dance is over and we're standing alone on different paths.

my path is full of beautiful, amazing children...strong, beautiful women...a loving family...light and energy...recovery...the beauty and spirit of more and more. i cry, i grieve, i resent, i smile...the bundle of emotions that always seem to come together. but what i know is that I will be ok and that i have so much to look forward to.

i can't wait to see what happens next.

1 comment:

  1. "but what i know is that I will be ok and that i have so much to look forward to."

    Here! Here!