Monday, May 31, 2010

Staying Centered

I have found myself on a path....alone. I'm ok on this path. I have chosen it, now. I am nurturing a relationship with my Self and am enjoying that process. I am opening up to many possibilities and am optimistic about my future.

Another, who I had/have detached from, and who was choosing a different path, is now maybe seeing that the path they have chosen isn't the one they really want...or the one that is healthiest for them. So, I can feel this person gravitating back to a path similar to mine. This is a good thing for that person. It is a "better" path from the one she was choosing. I am relieved and hopeful for her and want her to be well...for herself.

The difficulty of this is that now things have changed. I have changed and am continuing to change. I am beginning to like who I am and where I am and what I am becoming. I am able to breathe in my home, to feel calm and at peace, and to not have fear.

What I have always wanted was to journey along side of this person. To experience joy, serenity, calm, and adventure together. That was what I chose 11+ years ago. And that is what I was committed to. But, now, having felt hurt, rejected and abandoned, I am really apprehensive and fearful. I do not want fear to be a part of my experience any longer. So, while a large part of my Self still wants to walk with this person, there is another part that knows it will really take time before we are walking side by side. And, I know that we may never be that again, even if we are on the same path.

So, my difficulty now is staying focused on who I am, where I am, and where I am going. My difficulty is to not change any of those things I am doing, just because she may be jumping back onto this road that I'm on (and that many others are on, too). I am responsible for my journey and my journey only. I cannot change what I'm doing, to please another person, anymore.

I am now committed to a relationship with my SELF. It is a monogamous relationship. I am my life partner. What I need is to nurture that relationship for awhile. Alone. And, when I'm ready and steadfast in that relationship, then I can open up to another person again. My hope today is that the other person will be my soulmate that I have lost....because today I do believe that we are still I'm TRUSTING in my God/dess that more will be revealed and that what is to be will be. I need to be open to what the Universe has in store for me. In the meantime, I am remaining true to my Self and just Being exactly where I am.

Monday, May 24, 2010


The wowyn's circle that I hold every month was last night. We haven't met in a few months because of life and my just not having the energy to plan and make it happen. Funny how when I probably most need it, I'm unable to get it together.

Last night's "theme" was "Release & Welcome." It ended up being very good for me (and I hope for the other participants. I only released one thing (actually a person) out into the universe (on a little paper boat in the meditation) and it felt like an ending of sorts. Not that I won't feel any emotions about it anymore, now, but it felt like kind of a final release. That's good.

The flip side of the theme was the "Welcome," meaning inviting something into our experience, something we want, need, hope for, etc. I invited "independence." I'm excited to see how that manifests.

I feel like I'm growing and changing. I feel like I'm freed kind of. I feel terribly sad and heartbroken, but I'm getting to the other side of that slowly. Nurturing my spiritual self has given me back my TRUST that I'm right where I should be and that things will be ok. I don't know what is in my future, but I've let go of control of that and am choosing to just TRUST.

When I put the person I was releasing on the little paper boat in the visualization, I did so gently and lovingly. I wish her safety, love, and happiness. I wish her health and hope for nothing less then the best for her. I watched her float away in my mind and along with my sadness I felt like this was a gift for both of us. I'm not quite sure what that means, but it was how I felt. I trust that God/Goddess/Universe has us both in the light and whatever is to happen will happen and it will be good and right. Maybe our souls will find each other again....maybe not.

Friday, May 21, 2010

obla de obla da

life goes on, huh? yep. it does.

it's interesting how emotions are. to go from one to the other so quickly. to feel happy and then remember, and feel sad. to feel anxious at the same time that you snuggle with your little one and feel content. to be afraid, while feeling so strong and confident. i understand why people call things "an emotional roller coaster."

mostly, though, as days pass and life continues and i say "hello" to myself in the mirror, i feel ok. i will be ok. it's crazy to be almost 40 and realize that i don't know myself outside of a relationship. wow. so, i do admit that i'm fascinated at that and am (dare i say) enjoying that.

i feel like i'm finally getting to a place of balance. i'm finding my center again. life is going on and more is being revealed everyday. my children are wise and they help me immensely. they know me so well.

i'm excited to be working again on my spiritual self and connecting in that way. i've been caught up in dysfunction and another person's misery for awhile. we were *stuck* in this negative place together. suddenly things are freed and moving again. i'm grateful for that. i've learned once again that when i let go and move out of the way, the energy flows.

i'm not done feeling my emotions. i feel a little tingle of anger right now as i type this. and in a minute i'll probably feel sad. but that's ok today! i can feel it ALL and trust that it will all pass and that i'll get through it. i don't have to cover it up with anything, i don't have to make it go away or use some substance to block it. i can FEEL....and even though i don't like it, it's part of being alive and i know that there's another feeling right around the corner. you just can't stay in one feeling for two long. my dog will jump up and lick me while i'm crying, or james will put his little hands on my face and say, "don't be sad mama, you are happy!" and then i smile and feel so grateful to be exactly where i am.

Monday, May 10, 2010

growth and pain

I know, from all my years in recovery, that the greater the pain, the bigger the growth. But, gosh, I wish it didn't have to be that way. And, when this current trauma is over, I'd better be one hell of an awesome human! lol

I think I'm more afraid then I really thought I was. I am a pretty balanced person, I've come a long way (with a long way to go), but I still have so much fear. It seems that fear is just a state of being that I'm not sure ever totally goes away. I try not to live in it and work constantly at rising above it, but there is is. I'm not even sure what it is I'm afraid of.

I sit here by myself, now, and I feel uncomfortable. I feel like I don't know where to go or what to do. So, I just sit and try to be. I wonder, now, if I know myself at all. After years of being in a committed relationship, I wonder who I am....just me, alone, with no adult companion. And it scares me for some reason.

I feel angry. I'm not comfortable with anger at all. I don't like it and don't really feel it often. But I sit here feeling angry and rejected and confused.

I know that I will be ok. I know that I'll go through this grieving process and that I'll come out on the other side. That doesn't make me feel any better, though. Because right now I am sad and heartbroken. Right now I am in pain and just want to rewind to a time when things were better and I at least knew that no matter what else was going on in our world, we had each other.

I'm almost 40. And what I thought was real and true and something I could count on, is gone. It's amazing how life can unravel in the blink of an eye.

Friday, May 7, 2010

and the skies opened up

i wonder why us humans are so slow to learn? i mean, really. why does it take YEARS to learn something. why do we hold on and hold on and hold on, fingernails bloody from grasping and clutching, when the freedom and truth is in the letting go? i guess i should ask why I do that. in the big picture, i believe that the things that happen are all relevant and necessary to my experience for whatever reason. nothing is for nothing. but i wish it just didn't have to be so damn painful. and i wish that the painful learning didn't take so long. i hope that as i learn about myself and become more evolved that it won't take so long. that's my experience with other things, anyways.

once i see, though....once i know the truth and understand and really let go, there's such freedom. it's like watching the clouds part and seeing that ray of sunshine blast through, full force. and then in that letting go i can feel spirit and light and energy that fills and excites me. the possibilities are endless. who am i? who will i become? what's next on my journey?

so, now i enter a time of reflection and quiet. a time to look at the past 11 years and where they have taken me, how they have changed me...what do i want to take with me from them, and what do i want to change or totally discard? i feel a new love for the person who travelled with me for 11 years...a different love...i'm grateful for "us" and for the lessons we taught each other, the love we shared and the role we played in each other's lives. i feel sorry for how we hurt each other, held each other back, created our own cycle of dysfunction, most of the time without even knowing. one of us, now, has stepped out of that cycle. the dance is over and we're standing alone on different paths.

my path is full of beautiful, amazing children...strong, beautiful women...a loving family...light and energy...recovery...the beauty and spirit of more and more. i cry, i grieve, i resent, i smile...the bundle of emotions that always seem to come together. but what i know is that I will be ok and that i have so much to look forward to.

i can't wait to see what happens next.

Monday, May 3, 2010

texting god?

yeah, so, i've been sending god text messages. it's really interesting actually. i'm a very physical, literal person. i remember things better when i write them down, i understand things better when i SEE them done, and i FEEL more connected something when i take some action in relation to it. i was talking to a sort of "mentor" the other day and she, being one who does this sort of thing, suggested that i pray about letting go of this particular person/situation and about detaching. i got off of the phone and sat and thought that i don't really like to "pray" in the traditional sense. my "prayers" are usually offered through some action....ritual, burning something, etc. i can't just sit, close my eyes, and think a prayer. it doesn't work for me and doesn't feel like i did anything...not to mention my mind usually wanders off in the middle of that "thinking prayer." i was holding my cell phone because i had just gotten off the call and thought "huh. maybe i'll text god." it was just silly, and i smiled, but then i thought "huh! maybe i'll text god!" so, i did. i just addressed the text to "god" and wrote what my prayer would be had i been praying traditionally. i ended it with "thanks, donna" and hit "send." and it sent. and i FELT like i had "prayed." for the rest of the day i was able to let go and detach from the person/situation i needed to let go off and detach from. i've been texting "god" everyday since. i'm not sure where it goes. i don't really care. it's off in the universe and no matter what i "pray" it seems to work! i try not to think too much about where it's going, it doesn't matter...the ACTION is what makes it work for me. i haven't gotten a reply, though...which i'm kind of grateful for. ;)