Monday, February 6, 2012


Time. Timing. Taking time.

This is a new concept for me.

What I realize is that I am a person of impulse. Because of having fear of that "in between" time, that time where nothing is happening (no relationship, no project, nothing new), I tend to jump into different things rather impulsively. This may be why I have found myself either not finishing projects (because I realize after several weeks or months that I don't really like it and maybe am not even good at it) or being in a relationship that may not be best for me (because I get swept away by the initial emotion of it all and take actions that drive the relationship into full commitment status too soon only realizing a couple years later that maybe i don't want to be with that person as much as i thought i did but now i'm stuck). That is not to say that I haven't loved or that my relationships were a big mess. But, I jump very quickly. And I know it's out of fear.

So. What am I afraid of? The obvious answer would be "being alone." I'm not sure that's totally it, though. I LIKE the excitement of something new. I like the feelings I get at the beginning of things. Beginning a project, beginning an endeavor, beginning to learn a skill, beginning a relationship. Who doesn't like that? I hear people all the time saying that the beginning of their relationship was so fun....all the flirting, attraction, intensity of emotion.....that's all fun, and new, and exciting. It's all-consuming. Maybe that's the problem. Maybe we shouldn't be consumed. Maybe we should feel what we feel and enjoy it, but take our time to savor, roll it around in our mouth, go slowly, get to know the person/thing, take time AWAY from it and then go back to it.

It's a fast food world, right? Everything has to happen quickly. If I like you then I should love you. If I feel attracted to you then I should make love to you. If I have fun knitting one day, then I should do it everyday. Etc.

I like to think I'm a patient person. And, I am. I am a patient mother, friend, lover. But I'm not patient with life. I'm not patient when I feel like I want something. Maybe the fear is that if I don't grab ahold of it RIGHT NOW, then I either will not be able to have it later or that it will pass me by. There is an anxiety that goes along with my impulsivity. And I think that anxiety is that I HAVE TO HAVE IT NOW OR IT WILL GO AWAY.

I'm a 41 year old woman learning how to take my time. With life. With people. With things. Learning how to sit in my present moment where nothing is really happening but where so much is happening. Learning how to let an idea percolate without DOING anything. Just because I feel, or want, doesn't mean I have to DO anything. I can just sit and feel, right? I can sit and think about what I want, do I really want it? why do i want it?

Maybe I should start giving myself frames of time for different things. Like, for example:
1. Have an idea
2. Write about, think about, read about that idea (without TALKING about it) for 1 week.
3. If the idea is still good and interesting enough, talk to 3 different people about the idea. Spend 1 week gathering people's thoughts/opinions about my idea, while still thinking/learning/etc.
4. Look at the idea again and spend a couple of days (depending) re-thinking and morphing the idea based on what I've learned and heard/read.
5. If the idea is still exciting, interesting, and feasible...take one action on the idea.

and so on.....

This would be good for dating/relationships, too. Some variation. Maybe if I really approach it in a very structured way, then I would teach myself how to take my time and resist impulses.

Wow. Life is hard work. :/

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