I think this is the first time in my adult life that I am making decisions based purely on what I feel is best for ME and what I want. That sounds crazy doesn't it? When I was a young child, and all through my growing years, when asked the question "What do you want to be when you grow up?", I answered, "A Mom." It was never a question that I would give a large part of my life to mothering. And, I've never looked back. I've been a Mother for nineteen years and counting. And, I love it.
When J. died, I automatically made a decision to fall back into my default thinking....be a mother, foster mother, continue to care for children. Over the months, I've had a nagging in the pit of my stomach (which I know is my intuition) that was telling me that there is more. I've been feeling like I'm "done" with that part of my life. Obviously, I still have my children and I'm still committed to and love being their Mother. But, I don't want to Mother anyone else.
Over the past month, through my darkest grieving period, up until now, the feeling of freedom and excitement has been brewing. I've looked around, outside of my home, outside of Mothering, and outside of the things that have been my life, and have a desire to forge a new path. My children are growing, the youngest is still young, but he's out of the baby/toddler years and steadily growing into an older child. My oldest child is nineteen and striking out on her individual journey. I'm ready to discover ME and who I am, besides Mother/caregiver.
I went out last night, to a cultural event, and enjoyed the company of a new friend and marveled at life. I have such desire to learn new things, do new things, be new things. I've been exercising and feeling so energetic. My body and mind feels alive and like I'm discovering life. I no longer wish to tie myself down to the home. I want to go out, to discover culture and new people. I want to spend time until the wee hours talking and just being with people I care for.
And I don't feel afraid. I feel that I've been given a gift. I've been given freedom and possibility. I feel rooted and strong and confident. I don't know what comes next, but I know it will be good.