Tuesday, January 3, 2012
I was afraid to enter this new year. Jamie has never been alive in this year. I felt afraid and like moving into a new year without her would take me further from her, would make things more real and permanent. And, I do feel that way. Time keeps on moving on, it doesn't care what happens, who is born, who dies...it just keeps on moving. The first few days, after Jamie died, I felt that it was wrong that time didn't stop. I felt that the Earth and everything on and in it should pause, stop, and acknowledge the loss of her. But nothing stopped. I paid my bills the day after she died, the mail came the next day, I had to take out the garbage and do the dishes. The movement of the earth and nature the universe never ends, the cycle is never broken. I can count on it. And that's why my trust is in those things, that is where deity lies, for me...in those things that are constant, consistent, and unconditional. They give me comfort and motivation to keep on going. The fundamentalist Christian god is full of "if and then"....(ie. if you sin, then you go to hell)....it's not consistent, it's full of contradiction. It's unpredictable and full of conditions. I never felt I could have trust in that. If I allow my body and spirit to follow the natural cycles of the Earth and nature, then I will flow with it....I will understand that my health, success, growth, and balance does not rely on the events of human existence. I can continue to be healthy, successful, and balanced in the midst of turmoil and suffering. I don't have to stop being. I can be like a tree and simply grow around and through the fence that a human put up in the way of my growth. I can be like the "weed" that finds a way through the concrete. I find that strength in the natural world, I find the truth of living. I put my hands on the Earth, on a Tree, and I feel full of unconditional, unwavering, absolutely reliable love and strength. And THAT is how I keep on going.