Powerlessness

i was reading something recently where the writer was saying, “i am powerless.” it made me pause and think about that statement. as a recovering member of AA, i know that “powerlessness” is one of the things that must be admitted/accepted in order to begin to recover. i understand the concept, and accepted powerless, myself. but, as i’ve continued in recovery, i’ve begun to question this concept. i don’t question that as an addict, when i was actively using drugs and alcohol, i was powerless over these things. when in my active addiction, i did not have the ability to control or the power to overcome, on my own. i needed help (i chose the 12-step program, Alcoholics Anonymous). once i had taken that step into recovery and had asked for help, i began to be empowered. gradually, as the 24-hr periods of sobriety stacked up, i became healthy, empowered, and stronger than my addiction. in order to remain empowered, i need to continue doing what i’m doing in recovery. but, i am no longer powerless. nor would i be completely powerless again, if i were to pick up a drink or drug….at least not right away. because of my believe in “the law of attraction,” it concerns me when i hear/read someone say “i am powerless.” there is such power in that statement. i believe that statement (or any statement that declares “i am”) sets into motion the power of creation. the person who states “i am powerless” is creating themselves as powerless. over and over again, the statement re-establishes their powerlessness and brings more powerlessness to them. i did not crawl out of the hopelessness and despair that is addiction so that i could continue to be a powerless person in recovery. so, i create myself by saying, “i am free,” “i am strong,” “i am joy.”

Don't you love when something happens and you see yourself responding/reacting differently than you may have in the past? This happened to me just yesterday. We had our monthly women's circle at my house and during the activity part I struggled with the activity. I tried to do it, but just couldn't be inspired, couldn't follow it through, and just really felt like I didn't want to do it. So, I didn't. That may sound really small and like it doesn't even really matter. But, for me, it was big. First of all, by honoring myself I was able to use the activity in my own way to realize whatever I was supposed to realize. If I had followed the directions, and done the activity, like I would feel was expected of me (so as not to call attention to myself, not follow directions, or look some certain way to others) I would not have gotten the message that Spirit was giving me through the activity. Secondly, I affirmed my own feelings and allowed myself to go with what I felt I needed to do, regardless of what anyone would think. Those things are huge for me. In the past, I would ALWAYS put others first. Whether it was others' needs, others' perceptions, others' opinions....whatever. No matter what feeling I was having, if I felt you might think negatively of that feeling then I would ignore it. If I was in a group situation, I would NEVER stray from what the group was doing, even if I didn't want to do it. (tangent: I wonder, now, if that lack of self confidence and self care was what allowed me to get so deep into addiction. My "not saying no" was less about what I wanted, and more about what you thought.) And, during the activity yesterday, I did not even think "I'm going to honor myself," "I'm going to allow myself to NOT do the activity"...it just kind of happened. I didn't realize what I had done until later when I was talking to my daughter, Amber, about it. Then I was like, "Hey! Cool! I let myself NOT do it because that's what I needed!" I think what happened was that I'm just in deep pain and deep grief so I really just don't care. My self care yesterday happened because I just couldn't do it. I just didn't have the energy. I just didn't care enough about what other people thought so I just didn't do it. And, then, during sharing, I cried openly and allowed those women to "hold" me and empathize with me. I went there. That's big, too. I think I felt, for one of the first times in my life, that I could trust and let go of my composure in that circle. I felt that they would love me even if I cried....and maybe even more. They didn't care that I didn't do the activity. They understood. It was about me and not about whether I successfully completed the assignment. This would have been one of those things I would have shared with Jamie. She would have told me how proud she was of me and how much I'm growing. She would have made me feel really good about it. Interestingly enough, I think Jamie has everything to do with this growth. Through her death I'm learning how to allow myself to feel, how to let myself go there, and how to walk through my pain without disassociating from it. I don't have a choice because the pain is so deep that I can't get away from it if I try. I'm grateful for all of it.

2012

I was afraid to enter this new year. Jamie has never been alive in this year. I felt afraid and like moving into a new year without her would take me further from her, would make things more real and permanent. And, I do feel that way. Time keeps on moving on, it doesn't care what happens, who is born, who dies...it just keeps on moving. The first few days, after Jamie died, I felt that it was wrong that time didn't stop. I felt that the Earth and everything on and in it should pause, stop, and acknowledge the loss of her. But nothing stopped. I paid my bills the day after she died, the mail came the next day, I had to take out the garbage and do the dishes. The movement of the earth and nature the universe never ends, the cycle is never broken. I can count on it. And that's why my trust is in those things, that is where deity lies, for me...in those things that are constant, consistent, and unconditional. They give me comfort and motivation to keep on going. The fundamentalist Christian god is full of "if and then"....(ie. if you sin, then you go to hell)....it's not consistent, it's full of contradiction. It's unpredictable and full of conditions. I never felt I could have trust in that. If I allow my body and spirit to follow the natural cycles of the Earth and nature, then I will flow with it....I will understand that my health, success, growth, and balance does not rely on the events of human existence. I can continue to be healthy, successful, and balanced in the midst of turmoil and suffering. I don't have to stop being. I can be like a tree and simply grow around and through the fence that a human put up in the way of my growth. I can be like the "weed" that finds a way through the concrete. I find that strength in the natural world, I find the truth of living. I put my hands on the Earth, on a Tree, and I feel full of unconditional, unwavering, absolutely reliable love and strength. And THAT is how I keep on going.

Merry Yule

I'm sitting here in the dark, on the longest night of the year, Winter Solstice. I've lit the candle that I made at the last full moon, to burn until it is gone. I plan to say up with the dark until I need to rest. I love the quiet darkness, I love the dark of this time of year. My body and spirit naturally follows the cycles of the seasons, feeling withdrawn and dormant during these months. The Solstice reminds me of the light and causes a stirring, deep within my body. That spark of longing ignites with the new Sun and grows steadily until the first shoots begin to poke through the hard ground in the Spring. But, for now, it is just a quiver....just a small warmth deep within that I can look to when I need to feel hope, when I need to remember that after the dark comes light. I feel that I am in need of hibernation. I am in need of the dark, where I can hide and mourn the loss of my love. I need the cover of darkness, to give me privacy in my grief. I need to know that there is a small spark inside, a spark that promises that there will be light after this darkness within my soul. There will be freedom from this pain. There will be new life. It has already begun, deep inside. So, I will hold myself close...nurture myself through...and will tend to that light within, retreating there for warmth and comfort when there is none outside. My wish for this coming year....my hope that I am sending out into the universe....is that I will trust and that I will be present to what is placed before me. My wish for you is love.

Druidry

I really need some focus and am feeling like I need to, once again, find a daily practice to nurture my spirit. I find that I am at my best when I am connecting daily in some way. It's so easy to get away from it. Again, it makes no sense to me that I find what works and then I stop. Stupid human. Anyways, I have a dear friend, who I consider to be a sort of spiritual mentor, who has encouraged me to explore the path of Druidry. He knows better than me that it is probably my path. I dabbled, learned a little bit, and then veered away from it again...into Wicca. I've now made another turn in my path, away from Wicca (although not completely dismissing it), and am finding myself standing "alone" on the path again. And I'm pulled back to Druidry (my friend is so wise). Years ago, I found this site called "the Druid Network" and on it there is a "Perennial Course in Living Druidry" that I really liked. I actually printed it out once, put it all in a binder, and worked a few of the units. I'm not sure what happened....I suppose I saw something shiny. haha This morning it suddenly popped into my head again and I went back to the website (a Perennial Course in Living Druidry at the Druid Network). Again, I feel something when I read the words and when I begin to consider this path. I have the distinct image of trees...big, strong, amazing, Gods/Trees. I can feel them and smell them and tears well up inside of me. So. I think I going to start again on this course and see what there is for me to learn from it this time. Join me if you'd like. Tell me your thoughts.

updates

It's been a long time since I've updated this blog. Too many things have happened to even put in one post. I'll try to put it in a nutshell. I joined the coven Grove of Gaia after going through the initial classes that I talked about. I remained a member until this past month (November) when I felt that it wasn't the direction I wanted to go in. In April of 2011, actually soon after my last blog post here, my partner was diagnosed with Stage 4 Lung Cancer. It was devastating news. I cared for her at home for six months before she passed on October 22, 2011. Talk about a spiritual experience (I'll blog more about this later, not ready yet). So, here I am, almost the holidays, grieving and just working on getting through this with our four children. Am am solitary again, spiritually, on my path and trying to become more involved in the pittsburgh community. I have been going to some gatherings with an eclectic group called Oaken Circle. The women's circle has restarted which is timely and wonderful. That's where I am. I'm not ready to go into this past years' experience, yet, but I will.

On the Path

So, I've been attending the Wicca 101 classes for about 7 weeks or so. They've really been great and have gotten me excited about what comes next. I was formally invited to join the Order of the White Pines which was so exciting. The OWP is a coven of initiates that is part of the Grove of Gaia. This is really exciting to me because it means I'm moving forward. I've felt that I've been sort of circling the same place on the path for some years and am really ready for another stage of development. I feel really good about Grove of Gaia. Lady Annabelle is a beautiful, talented, kind woman who has a wonderful energy about her. The others that I've met from the OWP seem great, as well. Two other people from my class have been invited (there were 7 in the class). One of them is Wayne, the young man I mentioned in an earlier post who I felt kind of drawn to. I'm glad he was invited, although I'm not sure he'll accept since he is busy with college.

I find it curious that I'm entering this new evolution of self at this time. There are things that I can kind of feel on the horizon that will require me to be centered, balanced, and strong. I'm scared, but grateful, and just really hope that my decision to join this spiritual group will be something that is really good for me and my family.