Ahhhhh, Solstice yesterday was so lovely! It was a much needed, energizing day filled with sun, warmth, friends, fire, fairy wands, bubbles, sparklers, food, music, and wonderful energy. I absolutely love to walk into my backyard and see it filled with people I love, children, talking, and laughing. It makes my soul so happy. And after the challenges I've been facing, it was really so needed. A gathering like this is always so worth all the work!

From a Witchvox article: "It is through this season that we can see the beauty of life, the intensity of being, the rapture of passion, the exhilaration of awareness, possibilities of creation and the surprising tenderness of love. For it is passion and love that have driven humankind to realize some of its greatest treasures and its most extreme violations. It is only through awareness and conscious action that passion can bring us to the zenith of existence. This is the time to experience our passions and the force within, to be conscious of how we use them and the gifts they can bring and experience our own true power."

Bright Blessings to you and yours!!

Today I will relax. I am being prepared. I can let go of timing. I can stop manipulating outcomes. good things will happen when the time is right, and they will happen naturally.

Midsummer

I've decided to plan a Summer Solstice celebration. I think we'll have a dinner feast and then a bonfire, complete with throwing select herbs into the fire as is traditional on the Summer Solstice. I need to celebrate the beauty of life and the love that is present. I need to be surrounded by friends and loved ones. This has been such a difficult period for me, I'm feeling like I need some love and laughter and to allow myself to mark this new beginning with a celebration of all that I have and will become. It's nice to have something to look forward to!

Staying Centered

I have found myself on a path....alone. I'm ok on this path. I have chosen it, now. I am nurturing a relationship with my Self and am enjoying that process. I am opening up to many possibilities and am optimistic about my future.

Another, who I had/have detached from, and who was choosing a different path, is now maybe seeing that the path they have chosen isn't the one they really want...or the one that is healthiest for them. So, I can feel this person gravitating back to a path similar to mine. This is a good thing for that person. It is a "better" path from the one she was choosing. I am relieved and hopeful for her and want her to be well...for herself.

The difficulty of this is that now things have changed. I have changed and am continuing to change. I am beginning to like who I am and where I am and what I am becoming. I am able to breathe in my home, to feel calm and at peace, and to not have fear.

What I have always wanted was to journey along side of this person. To experience joy, serenity, calm, and adventure together. That was what I chose 11+ years ago. And that is what I was committed to. But, now, having felt hurt, rejected and abandoned, I am really apprehensive and fearful. I do not want fear to be a part of my experience any longer. So, while a large part of my Self still wants to walk with this person, there is another part that knows it will really take time before we are walking side by side. And, I know that we may never be that again, even if we are on the same path.

So, my difficulty now is staying focused on who I am, where I am, and where I am going. My difficulty is to not change any of those things I am doing, just because she may be jumping back onto this road that I'm on (and that many others are on, too). I am responsible for my journey and my journey only. I cannot change what I'm doing, to please another person, anymore.

I am now committed to a relationship with my SELF. It is a monogamous relationship. I am my life partner. What I need is to nurture that relationship for awhile. Alone. And, when I'm ready and steadfast in that relationship, then I can open up to another person again. My hope today is that the other person will be my soulmate that I have lost....because today I do believe that we are still soulmates....by I'm TRUSTING in my God/dess that more will be revealed and that what is to be will be. I need to be open to what the Universe has in store for me. In the meantime, I am remaining true to my Self and just Being exactly where I am.

Release

The wowyn's circle that I hold every month was last night. We haven't met in a few months because of life and my just not having the energy to plan and make it happen. Funny how when I probably most need it, I'm unable to get it together.

Last night's "theme" was "Release & Welcome." It ended up being very good for me (and I hope for the other participants. I only released one thing (actually a person) out into the universe (on a little paper boat in the meditation) and it felt like an ending of sorts. Not that I won't feel any emotions about it anymore, now, but it felt like kind of a final release. That's good.

The flip side of the theme was the "Welcome," meaning inviting something into our experience, something we want, need, hope for, etc. I invited "independence." I'm excited to see how that manifests.

I feel like I'm growing and changing. I feel like I'm freed kind of. I feel terribly sad and heartbroken, but I'm getting to the other side of that slowly. Nurturing my spiritual self has given me back my TRUST that I'm right where I should be and that things will be ok. I don't know what is in my future, but I've let go of control of that and am choosing to just TRUST.

When I put the person I was releasing on the little paper boat in the visualization, I did so gently and lovingly. I wish her safety, love, and happiness. I wish her health and hope for nothing less then the best for her. I watched her float away in my mind and along with my sadness I felt like this was a gift for both of us. I'm not quite sure what that means, but it was how I felt. I trust that God/Goddess/Universe has us both in the light and whatever is to happen will happen and it will be good and right. Maybe our souls will find each other again....maybe not.

obla de obla da

life goes on, huh? yep. it does.

it's interesting how emotions are. to go from one to the other so quickly. to feel happy and then remember, and feel sad. to feel anxious at the same time that you snuggle with your little one and feel content. to be afraid, while feeling so strong and confident. i understand why people call things "an emotional roller coaster."

mostly, though, as days pass and life continues and i say "hello" to myself in the mirror, i feel ok. i will be ok. it's crazy to be almost 40 and realize that i don't know myself outside of a relationship. wow. so, i do admit that i'm fascinated at that and am (dare i say) enjoying that.

i feel like i'm finally getting to a place of balance. i'm finding my center again. life is going on and more is being revealed everyday. my children are wise and they help me immensely. they know me so well.

i'm excited to be working again on my spiritual self and connecting in that way. i've been caught up in dysfunction and another person's misery for awhile. we were *stuck* in this negative place together. suddenly things are freed and moving again. i'm grateful for that. i've learned once again that when i let go and move out of the way, the energy flows.

i'm not done feeling my emotions. i feel a little tingle of anger right now as i type this. and in a minute i'll probably feel sad. but that's ok today! i can feel it ALL and trust that it will all pass and that i'll get through it. i don't have to cover it up with anything, i don't have to make it go away or use some substance to block it. i can FEEL....and even though i don't like it, it's part of being alive and i know that there's another feeling right around the corner. you just can't stay in one feeling for two long. my dog will jump up and lick me while i'm crying, or james will put his little hands on my face and say, "don't be sad mama, you are happy!" and then i smile and feel so grateful to be exactly where i am.

growth and pain

I know, from all my years in recovery, that the greater the pain, the bigger the growth. But, gosh, I wish it didn't have to be that way. And, when this current trauma is over, I'd better be one hell of an awesome human! lol

I think I'm more afraid then I really thought I was. I am a pretty balanced person, I've come a long way (with a long way to go), but I still have so much fear. It seems that fear is just a state of being that I'm not sure ever totally goes away. I try not to live in it and work constantly at rising above it, but there is is. I'm not even sure what it is I'm afraid of.

I sit here by myself, now, and I feel uncomfortable. I feel like I don't know where to go or what to do. So, I just sit and try to be. I wonder, now, if I know myself at all. After years of being in a committed relationship, I wonder who I am....just me, alone, with no adult companion. And it scares me for some reason.

I feel angry. I'm not comfortable with anger at all. I don't like it and don't really feel it often. But I sit here feeling angry and rejected and confused.

I know that I will be ok. I know that I'll go through this grieving process and that I'll come out on the other side. That doesn't make me feel any better, though. Because right now I am sad and heartbroken. Right now I am in pain and just want to rewind to a time when things were better and I at least knew that no matter what else was going on in our world, we had each other.

I'm almost 40. And what I thought was real and true and something I could count on, is gone. It's amazing how life can unravel in the blink of an eye.