Lugnasadh

I'm thinking about the upcoming turn of the wheel at the holiday, Lughnasadh. Here is an excerpt from a Witchvox article:

"Lughnasadh is a time of personal reflection and harvest, of our actions and deeds, events and experiences, our gains and losses. A time when we begin the cycle of reflection of that which is our life. A period for personal fertility magic to ensure the bountiful harvest of life's gifts and experiences, that which we have reaped though trial, tribulation, enjoyment, joy, love and loss. As my Elder once said to me, "We can not know what we have not experienced." Such is the truth of life ö we become not by chance but by experience. Each experience opens a window into ourselves, into who we were, who we are, and whom we are choosing to become."

This past weekend my women's circle held its monthly Full Moon circle. It was perfect that the women who led this time innocently (I think) chose the topic of "Transition." At this time of the year, in regards to the Wheel, we are transitioning from a time of growth to a time of harvest. Personally, I feel that I am totally in sync with this cycle.

I was just sitting here this morning, and actually blogged about it in my unschooling blog, realizing what a strong feeling I have of change. I FEEL like I'm cycling, moving with the universe, into at time of harvest. When I look back at my blog posts here, over the past several months, I can see the acquisition of "seeds," the "planting," the "tending," the growth. Slowly, slowly (and painfully, much like giving birth) my soul has been transitioning and evolving to bring me to this point of harvest.

In the harvest I feel the benefits of the labor, the pain, the tending, the nurturing, the growth. I see the product of my labor and can now use that harvest and continue to prune and tend as these fruits continue to mature and ripen.

How I love the synchronicity that happens when you allow it. How I love this connection and the absolute knowing that all is well. My practice of being grateful in the midst of pain and perceived turmoil, in anticipation of goodness and harvest, serves me well. Sometimes we just need to grow in the darkness of the soil, in solitude, so that we can burst forth and discover who we are.

Remembering

We had a lovely week away at the lake. The lake is always such a place of introspection and rejuvination for me. I started reading the "Conversations with God" books again. I so love those books. It's the perfect time for me to revisit the ideas within those books.

I'm entering a new phase of self-evolution and it is hard. Exciting. But hard.

Hard to believe that I'm almost 40 and I'm still (just?) answering the questions Who Am I? What do I Want? What Do I Need?

Therapy always seems to make me feel like I'm so much worse off then I thought. Funny how before therapy I might feel like I have some issues to work on, etc., but that I'm pretty ok. After starting therapy I feel like a crazy mess! lol

It's all good. It's all my creating of my self. I'm remembering Who I Am and am remembering that it is me who creates my experience. It's all in how I choose to create it. It's pretty damn exciting, really, if you think about it. If I don't like what I've created thus far, I can just change it. I can just create anew! What a wonderful thing that is.

Today I am grateful for my experience and for being exactly where I am. It is no accident that I have arrived in the space I'm living in today (body, mind, and spirit). It's all good. All IS well.

Ahhhhh, Solstice yesterday was so lovely! It was a much needed, energizing day filled with sun, warmth, friends, fire, fairy wands, bubbles, sparklers, food, music, and wonderful energy. I absolutely love to walk into my backyard and see it filled with people I love, children, talking, and laughing. It makes my soul so happy. And after the challenges I've been facing, it was really so needed. A gathering like this is always so worth all the work!

From a Witchvox article: "It is through this season that we can see the beauty of life, the intensity of being, the rapture of passion, the exhilaration of awareness, possibilities of creation and the surprising tenderness of love. For it is passion and love that have driven humankind to realize some of its greatest treasures and its most extreme violations. It is only through awareness and conscious action that passion can bring us to the zenith of existence. This is the time to experience our passions and the force within, to be conscious of how we use them and the gifts they can bring and experience our own true power."

Bright Blessings to you and yours!!

Today I will relax. I am being prepared. I can let go of timing. I can stop manipulating outcomes. good things will happen when the time is right, and they will happen naturally.

Midsummer

I've decided to plan a Summer Solstice celebration. I think we'll have a dinner feast and then a bonfire, complete with throwing select herbs into the fire as is traditional on the Summer Solstice. I need to celebrate the beauty of life and the love that is present. I need to be surrounded by friends and loved ones. This has been such a difficult period for me, I'm feeling like I need some love and laughter and to allow myself to mark this new beginning with a celebration of all that I have and will become. It's nice to have something to look forward to!

Staying Centered

I have found myself on a path....alone. I'm ok on this path. I have chosen it, now. I am nurturing a relationship with my Self and am enjoying that process. I am opening up to many possibilities and am optimistic about my future.

Another, who I had/have detached from, and who was choosing a different path, is now maybe seeing that the path they have chosen isn't the one they really want...or the one that is healthiest for them. So, I can feel this person gravitating back to a path similar to mine. This is a good thing for that person. It is a "better" path from the one she was choosing. I am relieved and hopeful for her and want her to be well...for herself.

The difficulty of this is that now things have changed. I have changed and am continuing to change. I am beginning to like who I am and where I am and what I am becoming. I am able to breathe in my home, to feel calm and at peace, and to not have fear.

What I have always wanted was to journey along side of this person. To experience joy, serenity, calm, and adventure together. That was what I chose 11+ years ago. And that is what I was committed to. But, now, having felt hurt, rejected and abandoned, I am really apprehensive and fearful. I do not want fear to be a part of my experience any longer. So, while a large part of my Self still wants to walk with this person, there is another part that knows it will really take time before we are walking side by side. And, I know that we may never be that again, even if we are on the same path.

So, my difficulty now is staying focused on who I am, where I am, and where I am going. My difficulty is to not change any of those things I am doing, just because she may be jumping back onto this road that I'm on (and that many others are on, too). I am responsible for my journey and my journey only. I cannot change what I'm doing, to please another person, anymore.

I am now committed to a relationship with my SELF. It is a monogamous relationship. I am my life partner. What I need is to nurture that relationship for awhile. Alone. And, when I'm ready and steadfast in that relationship, then I can open up to another person again. My hope today is that the other person will be my soulmate that I have lost....because today I do believe that we are still soulmates....by I'm TRUSTING in my God/dess that more will be revealed and that what is to be will be. I need to be open to what the Universe has in store for me. In the meantime, I am remaining true to my Self and just Being exactly where I am.

Release

The wowyn's circle that I hold every month was last night. We haven't met in a few months because of life and my just not having the energy to plan and make it happen. Funny how when I probably most need it, I'm unable to get it together.

Last night's "theme" was "Release & Welcome." It ended up being very good for me (and I hope for the other participants. I only released one thing (actually a person) out into the universe (on a little paper boat in the meditation) and it felt like an ending of sorts. Not that I won't feel any emotions about it anymore, now, but it felt like kind of a final release. That's good.

The flip side of the theme was the "Welcome," meaning inviting something into our experience, something we want, need, hope for, etc. I invited "independence." I'm excited to see how that manifests.

I feel like I'm growing and changing. I feel like I'm freed kind of. I feel terribly sad and heartbroken, but I'm getting to the other side of that slowly. Nurturing my spiritual self has given me back my TRUST that I'm right where I should be and that things will be ok. I don't know what is in my future, but I've let go of control of that and am choosing to just TRUST.

When I put the person I was releasing on the little paper boat in the visualization, I did so gently and lovingly. I wish her safety, love, and happiness. I wish her health and hope for nothing less then the best for her. I watched her float away in my mind and along with my sadness I felt like this was a gift for both of us. I'm not quite sure what that means, but it was how I felt. I trust that God/Goddess/Universe has us both in the light and whatever is to happen will happen and it will be good and right. Maybe our souls will find each other again....maybe not.