obla de obla da

life goes on, huh? yep. it does.

it's interesting how emotions are. to go from one to the other so quickly. to feel happy and then remember, and feel sad. to feel anxious at the same time that you snuggle with your little one and feel content. to be afraid, while feeling so strong and confident. i understand why people call things "an emotional roller coaster."

mostly, though, as days pass and life continues and i say "hello" to myself in the mirror, i feel ok. i will be ok. it's crazy to be almost 40 and realize that i don't know myself outside of a relationship. wow. so, i do admit that i'm fascinated at that and am (dare i say) enjoying that.

i feel like i'm finally getting to a place of balance. i'm finding my center again. life is going on and more is being revealed everyday. my children are wise and they help me immensely. they know me so well.

i'm excited to be working again on my spiritual self and connecting in that way. i've been caught up in dysfunction and another person's misery for awhile. we were *stuck* in this negative place together. suddenly things are freed and moving again. i'm grateful for that. i've learned once again that when i let go and move out of the way, the energy flows.

i'm not done feeling my emotions. i feel a little tingle of anger right now as i type this. and in a minute i'll probably feel sad. but that's ok today! i can feel it ALL and trust that it will all pass and that i'll get through it. i don't have to cover it up with anything, i don't have to make it go away or use some substance to block it. i can FEEL....and even though i don't like it, it's part of being alive and i know that there's another feeling right around the corner. you just can't stay in one feeling for two long. my dog will jump up and lick me while i'm crying, or james will put his little hands on my face and say, "don't be sad mama, you are happy!" and then i smile and feel so grateful to be exactly where i am.

growth and pain

I know, from all my years in recovery, that the greater the pain, the bigger the growth. But, gosh, I wish it didn't have to be that way. And, when this current trauma is over, I'd better be one hell of an awesome human! lol

I think I'm more afraid then I really thought I was. I am a pretty balanced person, I've come a long way (with a long way to go), but I still have so much fear. It seems that fear is just a state of being that I'm not sure ever totally goes away. I try not to live in it and work constantly at rising above it, but there is is. I'm not even sure what it is I'm afraid of.

I sit here by myself, now, and I feel uncomfortable. I feel like I don't know where to go or what to do. So, I just sit and try to be. I wonder, now, if I know myself at all. After years of being in a committed relationship, I wonder who I am....just me, alone, with no adult companion. And it scares me for some reason.

I feel angry. I'm not comfortable with anger at all. I don't like it and don't really feel it often. But I sit here feeling angry and rejected and confused.

I know that I will be ok. I know that I'll go through this grieving process and that I'll come out on the other side. That doesn't make me feel any better, though. Because right now I am sad and heartbroken. Right now I am in pain and just want to rewind to a time when things were better and I at least knew that no matter what else was going on in our world, we had each other.

I'm almost 40. And what I thought was real and true and something I could count on, is gone. It's amazing how life can unravel in the blink of an eye.

and the skies opened up

i wonder why us humans are so slow to learn? i mean, really. why does it take YEARS to learn something. why do we hold on and hold on and hold on, fingernails bloody from grasping and clutching, when the freedom and truth is in the letting go? i guess i should ask why I do that. in the big picture, i believe that the things that happen are all relevant and necessary to my experience for whatever reason. nothing is for nothing. but i wish it just didn't have to be so damn painful. and i wish that the painful learning didn't take so long. i hope that as i learn about myself and become more evolved that it won't take so long. that's my experience with other things, anyways.

once i see, though....once i know the truth and understand and really let go, there's such freedom. it's like watching the clouds part and seeing that ray of sunshine blast through, full force. and then in that letting go i can feel spirit and light and energy that fills and excites me. the possibilities are endless. who am i? who will i become? what's next on my journey?

so, now i enter a time of reflection and quiet. a time to look at the past 11 years and where they have taken me, how they have changed me...what do i want to take with me from them, and what do i want to change or totally discard? i feel a new love for the person who travelled with me for 11 years...a different love...i'm grateful for "us" and for the lessons we taught each other, the love we shared and the role we played in each other's lives. i feel sorry for how we hurt each other, held each other back, created our own cycle of dysfunction, most of the time without even knowing. one of us, now, has stepped out of that cycle. the dance is over and we're standing alone on different paths.

my path is full of beautiful, amazing children...strong, beautiful women...a loving family...light and energy...recovery...the beauty and spirit of nature...hope...love...and more and more. i cry, i grieve, i resent, i smile...the bundle of emotions that always seem to come together. but what i know is that I will be ok and that i have so much to look forward to.

i can't wait to see what happens next.

texting god?

yeah, so, i've been sending god text messages. it's really interesting actually. i'm a very physical, literal person. i remember things better when i write them down, i understand things better when i SEE them done, and i FEEL more connected something when i take some action in relation to it. i was talking to a sort of "mentor" the other day and she, being one who does this sort of thing, suggested that i pray about letting go of this particular person/situation and about detaching. i got off of the phone and sat and thought that i don't really like to "pray" in the traditional sense. my "prayers" are usually offered through some action....ritual, burning something, etc. i can't just sit, close my eyes, and think a prayer. it doesn't work for me and doesn't feel like i did anything...not to mention my mind usually wanders off in the middle of that "thinking prayer." i was holding my cell phone because i had just gotten off the call and thought "huh. maybe i'll text god." it was just silly, and i smiled, but then i thought "huh! maybe i'll text god!" so, i did. i just addressed the text to "god" and wrote what my prayer would be had i been praying traditionally. i ended it with "thanks, donna" and hit "send." and it sent. and i FELT like i had "prayed." for the rest of the day i was able to let go and detach from the person/situation i needed to let go off and detach from. i've been texting "god" everyday since. i'm not sure where it goes. i don't really care. it's off in the universe and no matter what i "pray" it seems to work! i try not to think too much about where it's going, it doesn't matter...the ACTION is what makes it work for me. i haven't gotten a reply, though...which i'm kind of grateful for. ;)

letting go

What I'm being "told" is to let go. The universe is sending me that message over and over again...through people, through objects, and through experiences. Unfortunately, letting go isn't always easy when it's mixed up with other strong emotions, difficulties, love, pain, etc. There are times, though, when letting go is the only action to take. I can only create my own life and effect my own destiny. Sometimes I fear that letting go means I'm giving up on a person or just throwing my hands up and saying "that's it! i'm done!" But what I know is that to let go of someone with love is to accept that they are separate and individual and also an act of self-care. Sometimes letting go is the most loving thing to do and the only act of love to carry out. It is accepting that there are things beyond my control, things I am powerless over and that people in my life will make their own choices and decisions for their own destiny and journey. It is replacing judgement with understanding and and allowing another to be a human being on a journey of self-discovery. I need to let go of that judgement and those "but" statements...."but what she's doing is so self-destructive!" "but she's going to hurt herself or someone else." "but, I love her." In the end, it is that love that will allow me to say "I love you so much that letting you go is the only thing left to do." And then, trust.

“If you want to reach a state of bliss, then go beyond your ego and the internal dialogue. Make a decision to relinquish the need to control, the need to be approved, and the need to judge. Those are the three things the ego is doing all the time. It's very important to be aware of them every time they come up.” Deepak Chopra

I need this tattooed on my forehead....no, i wouldn't see it there....i need it on my arm.

i'm starting to do this chant....did it this morning and felt immediately calmer and more centered. practice practice practice...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aBy0nU2rPEY&feature=youtube_gdata

I am right where I should be.