Time

Time. Timing. Taking time.

This is a new concept for me.

What I realize is that I am a person of impulse. Because of having fear of that "in between" time, that time where nothing is happening (no relationship, no project, nothing new), I tend to jump into different things rather impulsively. This may be why I have found myself either not finishing projects (because I realize after several weeks or months that I don't really like it and maybe am not even good at it) or being in a relationship that may not be best for me (because I get swept away by the initial emotion of it all and take actions that drive the relationship into full commitment status too soon only realizing a couple years later that maybe i don't want to be with that person as much as i thought i did but now i'm stuck). That is not to say that I haven't loved or that my relationships were a big mess. But, I jump very quickly. And I know it's out of fear.

So. What am I afraid of? The obvious answer would be "being alone." I'm not sure that's totally it, though. I LIKE the excitement of something new. I like the feelings I get at the beginning of things. Beginning a project, beginning an endeavor, beginning to learn a skill, beginning a relationship. Who doesn't like that? I hear people all the time saying that the beginning of their relationship was so fun....all the flirting, attraction, intensity of emotion.....that's all fun, and new, and exciting. It's all-consuming. Maybe that's the problem. Maybe we shouldn't be consumed. Maybe we should feel what we feel and enjoy it, but take our time to savor, roll it around in our mouth, go slowly, get to know the person/thing, take time AWAY from it and then go back to it.

It's a fast food world, right? Everything has to happen quickly. If I like you then I should love you. If I feel attracted to you then I should make love to you. If I have fun knitting one day, then I should do it everyday. Etc.

I like to think I'm a patient person. And, I am. I am a patient mother, friend, lover. But I'm not patient with life. I'm not patient when I feel like I want something. Maybe the fear is that if I don't grab ahold of it RIGHT NOW, then I either will not be able to have it later or that it will pass me by. There is an anxiety that goes along with my impulsivity. And I think that anxiety is that I HAVE TO HAVE IT NOW OR IT WILL GO AWAY.

I'm a 41 year old woman learning how to take my time. With life. With people. With things. Learning how to sit in my present moment where nothing is really happening but where so much is happening. Learning how to let an idea percolate without DOING anything. Just because I feel, or want, doesn't mean I have to DO anything. I can just sit and feel, right? I can sit and think about what I want, do I really want it? why do i want it?

Maybe I should start giving myself frames of time for different things. Like, for example:
1. Have an idea
2. Write about, think about, read about that idea (without TALKING about it) for 1 week.
3. If the idea is still good and interesting enough, talk to 3 different people about the idea. Spend 1 week gathering people's thoughts/opinions about my idea, while still thinking/learning/etc.
4. Look at the idea again and spend a couple of days (depending) re-thinking and morphing the idea based on what I've learned and heard/read.
5. If the idea is still exciting, interesting, and feasible...take one action on the idea.

and so on.....

This would be good for dating/relationships, too. Some variation. Maybe if I really approach it in a very structured way, then I would teach myself how to take my time and resist impulses.

Wow. Life is hard work. :/

Looking forward

I think this is the first time in my adult life that I am making decisions based purely on what I feel is best for ME and what I want. That sounds crazy doesn't it? When I was a young child, and all through my growing years, when asked the question "What do you want to be when you grow up?", I answered, "A Mom." It was never a question that I would give a large part of my life to mothering. And, I've never looked back. I've been a Mother for nineteen years and counting. And, I love it.

When J. died, I automatically made a decision to fall back into my default thinking....be a mother, foster mother, continue to care for children. Over the months, I've had a nagging in the pit of my stomach (which I know is my intuition) that was telling me that there is more. I've been feeling like I'm "done" with that part of my life. Obviously, I still have my children and I'm still committed to and love being their Mother. But, I don't want to Mother anyone else.

Over the past month, through my darkest grieving period, up until now, the feeling of freedom and excitement has been brewing. I've looked around, outside of my home, outside of Mothering, and outside of the things that have been my life, and have a desire to forge a new path. My children are growing, the youngest is still young, but he's out of the baby/toddler years and steadily growing into an older child. My oldest child is nineteen and striking out on her individual journey. I'm ready to discover ME and who I am, besides Mother/caregiver.

I went out last night, to a cultural event, and enjoyed the company of a new friend and marveled at life. I have such desire to learn new things, do new things, be new things. I've been exercising and feeling so energetic. My body and mind feels alive and like I'm discovering life. I no longer wish to tie myself down to the home. I want to go out, to discover culture and new people. I want to spend time until the wee hours talking and just being with people I care for.

And I don't feel afraid. I feel that I've been given a gift. I've been given freedom and possibility. I feel rooted and strong and confident. I don't know what comes next, but I know it will be good.

Medicine Wheel Circle

I attended my first Medicine Wheel Circle last night. I'm sitting with a woman who sat with a Hopi Indian elder to learn how to create and use the Medicine Wheel. Very simply put, Medicine wheels, or sacred hoops, were constructed by laying stones in a particular pattern on the ground. Most medicine wheels follow the basic pattern of having a center of stone(s), and surrounding that is an outer ring of stones with "spokes", or lines of rocks radiating from the center. During this circle, I will learn how to create my own Medicine Wheel and use it for meditation. I think it will be interesting and just another tool for spiritual growth and discovery.

Jamie's spirit was there with me, I know. Part of my reason for attending the circle is because I knew that it would give me connection with her. Native American spirituality was her path and I know she would be happy that I'm learning more about at least one part of it. I, of course, also want to learn just because I believe you can never have too many tools or too many paths to your higher self and Higher Power. But, I was looking for connection with her, as well. My psychic friend is also attending, and she confirmed that Jamie was there and that she will help me begin to learn about this.

My world is so different, now.

life

I feel really good so I need to write it down here. I feel alive. I feel excited. I feel like I'm being and doing exactly what she would have wanted and expected me to do. I have this really odd feeling that she feels that she set me free. I don't know if that's coming from inside, or coming from her, but it's what I'm intuiting. Our relationship was long, intense, challenging, and full of longing. For the last years, we both struggled to be who we were while being together. We both struggled with her addiction and illness/poor health. I loved her deeply and intensely, but in the last years it turned into something different. I was committed to her and she to me, but it became a caregiving situation for me and she (I think) felt a dependency that she was not comfortable with. I think she and I were so intertwined, so intensely connected, that it was beginning to be too painful and something had to happen. I read her journals, from years past, and she always had an intuition that she would not be on this earth for a long time. She knew that her time was short. I felt her looking at me sometimes, in the last two years, and she saw my health and my being 10 years younger, and she would sometimes comment on it. I knew then that she felt she was holding me from something. I would assure her that I was ok where I was and that I accepted her and all of her illness and dis-ease. But, it was a darkness. I loved her with all my heart and would have probably been with her for the rest of my life, if she were alive. But, I feel that her passing was a gift for both of us and I'm grateful for it. For her, it was freedom from the human shell that she inhabited so that her spirit and soul could move on in beauty and without the weight of dis-ease and suffering. For me, it is freedom from the weight of caregiving and the dysfunction of addiction and someone else's suffering.

So, I feel like I am shedding all of it, slowly but surely. I can feel life. I am alive and healthy and young. My body feels strong and my spirit feels free. The experience of caring for a dying loved one and then letting them go has changed me profoundly. I'm grateful for her allowing me to be a huge part of her journey in that way. It was all done with love. It was all done with compassion and acceptance. I am learning how to be quiet. How to sit with my SELF. How to just BE present. I see others around me and I know that I don't have to give up myself for anyone ever again, and I never will. I have learned about relationship, about partnership. I have learned that it's ok to be alone and that it's ok to like someone but not have to change who I am for them. I feel confident in who I am and love my life. I also love to love. I love passion and sex and relationship. But, I'm excited to create love in a different way. To hold back, to create relationships without anxiety, to built up to intensity rather than starting there, to pay attention to those little things that I might not like rather than ignoring them because of wanting, to be assertive and speak my truth and tell my story.

Life is good. I will hold her close, in a special place, and will think of her and all of the things she taught me for a long time. She and I are still connected, and always will be. But, I know that she is smiling at the energy she feels coming from me. I know she would be proud of where I am and where I am going. I hope that where ever her spirit is, that it is truly happy, joyous, and free.

emergence

I feel like I'm walking out of a very dark and very long tunnel. Out into light that's too bright and somewhat overwhelming, but warm and full of hope and possibility. I'm still just outside the tunnel and do feel a bit of an urge to turn back and lick my wounds in the darkness for awhile longer....but, I've made the decision to only look forward, remembering the lessons and experiences of the past but not dwelling there any longer. I feel alive. I feel relieved. Even though the sadness and pain lingers. I know it will fade and all that will be left are memories and gratitude.

profound sadness.
and anger.
allowing myself to feel it,
though,
is growth.

Mindfulness in Being

It's amazing to me that through grief I am learning what "Being" truly is. Through grief I am understanding mindfulness. I am understanding being still. All of these things that I could not be before....I now have no choice but to be them. I'm learning that I like these things. I like to just sit. To be. Mindful. I'm finding fullness in the emptiness of grief. Intense.

Powerlessness

i was reading something recently where the writer was saying, “i am powerless.” it made me pause and think about that statement. as a recovering member of AA, i know that “powerlessness” is one of the things that must be admitted/accepted in order to begin to recover. i understand the concept, and accepted powerless, myself. but, as i’ve continued in recovery, i’ve begun to question this concept. i don’t question that as an addict, when i was actively using drugs and alcohol, i was powerless over these things. when in my active addiction, i did not have the ability to control or the power to overcome, on my own. i needed help (i chose the 12-step program, Alcoholics Anonymous). once i had taken that step into recovery and had asked for help, i began to be empowered. gradually, as the 24-hr periods of sobriety stacked up, i became healthy, empowered, and stronger than my addiction. in order to remain empowered, i need to continue doing what i’m doing in recovery. but, i am no longer powerless. nor would i be completely powerless again, if i were to pick up a drink or drug….at least not right away. because of my believe in “the law of attraction,” it concerns me when i hear/read someone say “i am powerless.” there is such power in that statement. i believe that statement (or any statement that declares “i am”) sets into motion the power of creation. the person who states “i am powerless” is creating themselves as powerless. over and over again, the statement re-establishes their powerlessness and brings more powerlessness to them. i did not crawl out of the hopelessness and despair that is addiction so that i could continue to be a powerless person in recovery. so, i create myself by saying, “i am free,” “i am strong,” “i am joy.”

Don't you love when something happens and you see yourself responding/reacting differently than you may have in the past? This happened to me just yesterday. We had our monthly women's circle at my house and during the activity part I struggled with the activity. I tried to do it, but just couldn't be inspired, couldn't follow it through, and just really felt like I didn't want to do it. So, I didn't. That may sound really small and like it doesn't even really matter. But, for me, it was big. First of all, by honoring myself I was able to use the activity in my own way to realize whatever I was supposed to realize. If I had followed the directions, and done the activity, like I would feel was expected of me (so as not to call attention to myself, not follow directions, or look some certain way to others) I would not have gotten the message that Spirit was giving me through the activity. Secondly, I affirmed my own feelings and allowed myself to go with what I felt I needed to do, regardless of what anyone would think. Those things are huge for me. In the past, I would ALWAYS put others first. Whether it was others' needs, others' perceptions, others' opinions....whatever. No matter what feeling I was having, if I felt you might think negatively of that feeling then I would ignore it. If I was in a group situation, I would NEVER stray from what the group was doing, even if I didn't want to do it. (tangent: I wonder, now, if that lack of self confidence and self care was what allowed me to get so deep into addiction. My "not saying no" was less about what I wanted, and more about what you thought.) And, during the activity yesterday, I did not even think "I'm going to honor myself," "I'm going to allow myself to NOT do the activity"...it just kind of happened. I didn't realize what I had done until later when I was talking to my daughter, Amber, about it. Then I was like, "Hey! Cool! I let myself NOT do it because that's what I needed!" I think what happened was that I'm just in deep pain and deep grief so I really just don't care. My self care yesterday happened because I just couldn't do it. I just didn't have the energy. I just didn't care enough about what other people thought so I just didn't do it. And, then, during sharing, I cried openly and allowed those women to "hold" me and empathize with me. I went there. That's big, too. I think I felt, for one of the first times in my life, that I could trust and let go of my composure in that circle. I felt that they would love me even if I cried....and maybe even more. They didn't care that I didn't do the activity. They understood. It was about me and not about whether I successfully completed the assignment. This would have been one of those things I would have shared with Jamie. She would have told me how proud she was of me and how much I'm growing. She would have made me feel really good about it. Interestingly enough, I think Jamie has everything to do with this growth. Through her death I'm learning how to allow myself to feel, how to let myself go there, and how to walk through my pain without disassociating from it. I don't have a choice because the pain is so deep that I can't get away from it if I try. I'm grateful for all of it.

2012

I was afraid to enter this new year. Jamie has never been alive in this year. I felt afraid and like moving into a new year without her would take me further from her, would make things more real and permanent. And, I do feel that way. Time keeps on moving on, it doesn't care what happens, who is born, who dies...it just keeps on moving. The first few days, after Jamie died, I felt that it was wrong that time didn't stop. I felt that the Earth and everything on and in it should pause, stop, and acknowledge the loss of her. But nothing stopped. I paid my bills the day after she died, the mail came the next day, I had to take out the garbage and do the dishes. The movement of the earth and nature the universe never ends, the cycle is never broken. I can count on it. And that's why my trust is in those things, that is where deity lies, for me...in those things that are constant, consistent, and unconditional. They give me comfort and motivation to keep on going. The fundamentalist Christian god is full of "if and then"....(ie. if you sin, then you go to hell)....it's not consistent, it's full of contradiction. It's unpredictable and full of conditions. I never felt I could have trust in that. If I allow my body and spirit to follow the natural cycles of the Earth and nature, then I will flow with it....I will understand that my health, success, growth, and balance does not rely on the events of human existence. I can continue to be healthy, successful, and balanced in the midst of turmoil and suffering. I don't have to stop being. I can be like a tree and simply grow around and through the fence that a human put up in the way of my growth. I can be like the "weed" that finds a way through the concrete. I find that strength in the natural world, I find the truth of living. I put my hands on the Earth, on a Tree, and I feel full of unconditional, unwavering, absolutely reliable love and strength. And THAT is how I keep on going.

Merry Yule

I'm sitting here in the dark, on the longest night of the year, Winter Solstice. I've lit the candle that I made at the last full moon, to burn until it is gone. I plan to say up with the dark until I need to rest. I love the quiet darkness, I love the dark of this time of year. My body and spirit naturally follows the cycles of the seasons, feeling withdrawn and dormant during these months. The Solstice reminds me of the light and causes a stirring, deep within my body. That spark of longing ignites with the new Sun and grows steadily until the first shoots begin to poke through the hard ground in the Spring. But, for now, it is just a quiver....just a small warmth deep within that I can look to when I need to feel hope, when I need to remember that after the dark comes light. I feel that I am in need of hibernation. I am in need of the dark, where I can hide and mourn the loss of my love. I need the cover of darkness, to give me privacy in my grief. I need to know that there is a small spark inside, a spark that promises that there will be light after this darkness within my soul. There will be freedom from this pain. There will be new life. It has already begun, deep inside. So, I will hold myself close...nurture myself through...and will tend to that light within, retreating there for warmth and comfort when there is none outside. My wish for this coming year....my hope that I am sending out into the universe....is that I will trust and that I will be present to what is placed before me. My wish for you is love.

Druidry

I really need some focus and am feeling like I need to, once again, find a daily practice to nurture my spirit. I find that I am at my best when I am connecting daily in some way. It's so easy to get away from it. Again, it makes no sense to me that I find what works and then I stop. Stupid human. Anyways, I have a dear friend, who I consider to be a sort of spiritual mentor, who has encouraged me to explore the path of Druidry. He knows better than me that it is probably my path. I dabbled, learned a little bit, and then veered away from it again...into Wicca. I've now made another turn in my path, away from Wicca (although not completely dismissing it), and am finding myself standing "alone" on the path again. And I'm pulled back to Druidry (my friend is so wise). Years ago, I found this site called "the Druid Network" and on it there is a "Perennial Course in Living Druidry" that I really liked. I actually printed it out once, put it all in a binder, and worked a few of the units. I'm not sure what happened....I suppose I saw something shiny. haha This morning it suddenly popped into my head again and I went back to the website (a Perennial Course in Living Druidry at the Druid Network). Again, I feel something when I read the words and when I begin to consider this path. I have the distinct image of trees...big, strong, amazing, Gods/Trees. I can feel them and smell them and tears well up inside of me. So. I think I going to start again on this course and see what there is for me to learn from it this time. Join me if you'd like. Tell me your thoughts.

updates

It's been a long time since I've updated this blog. Too many things have happened to even put in one post. I'll try to put it in a nutshell. I joined the coven Grove of Gaia after going through the initial classes that I talked about. I remained a member until this past month (November) when I felt that it wasn't the direction I wanted to go in. In April of 2011, actually soon after my last blog post here, my partner was diagnosed with Stage 4 Lung Cancer. It was devastating news. I cared for her at home for six months before she passed on October 22, 2011. Talk about a spiritual experience (I'll blog more about this later, not ready yet). So, here I am, almost the holidays, grieving and just working on getting through this with our four children. Am am solitary again, spiritually, on my path and trying to become more involved in the pittsburgh community. I have been going to some gatherings with an eclectic group called Oaken Circle. The women's circle has restarted which is timely and wonderful. That's where I am. I'm not ready to go into this past years' experience, yet, but I will.

On the Path

So, I've been attending the Wicca 101 classes for about 7 weeks or so. They've really been great and have gotten me excited about what comes next. I was formally invited to join the Order of the White Pines which was so exciting. The OWP is a coven of initiates that is part of the Grove of Gaia. This is really exciting to me because it means I'm moving forward. I've felt that I've been sort of circling the same place on the path for some years and am really ready for another stage of development. I feel really good about Grove of Gaia. Lady Annabelle is a beautiful, talented, kind woman who has a wonderful energy about her. The others that I've met from the OWP seem great, as well. Two other people from my class have been invited (there were 7 in the class). One of them is Wayne, the young man I mentioned in an earlier post who I felt kind of drawn to. I'm glad he was invited, although I'm not sure he'll accept since he is busy with college.

I find it curious that I'm entering this new evolution of self at this time. There are things that I can kind of feel on the horizon that will require me to be centered, balanced, and strong. I'm scared, but grateful, and just really hope that my decision to join this spiritual group will be something that is really good for me and my family.

Womyn of Spirit was great this past Sunday. I created a ritual for Imbolc...the altar was beautiful, lots of candles, red, white, and other typical altar items.

We did an elemental cleanse, which was very cool, and made Brigit's Crosses. There were several other elements to the ritual that were great, as well. I really love creating these rituals and making them special and beautiful. Not only do I love to do that for God/dess, but I love creating this space for a group of wonderful women who are really busy and don't always get time to connect and be in a space like that. I like to make it something special, so that it feels like we're stepping into another different world, kind of. :)

Pathmaking

At my coven meeting last night, we traveled to a pathmaking read by Lady A. It was great! We went to a past life, future, present lifetime past, and the astral plane. I've gotten pretty good at getting to that state where I can travel and visualize. I love it. Last nights' visualization was very cool. The only issue I have is that the room we meet in is rather cold and that makes me aware of my present physical body a little more then I'd like. But, I've been able to go above that pretty successfully as well. I love traveling, though. It was interesting last night because one of the other participants (a young man named Wayne to whose energy I feel really pulled) was flying with me on the Astral plane. He's a young guy, probably early 20s. I don't know, yet, why I feel so pulled to his energy. I'm really enjoying this class. Although I've already learned most of the stuff we're doing, it's really good to start here again and kind of revisit the more basic ideas and practices in Wicca. I am really excited, though, to move on to the next classes in my training.

I really love receiving messages from the Universe and then spending the following days listening, observing, and finding connections to those messages. It always thrills and excites me. Receiving the message is always cool, but I have to remember that just the reception of the message isn't the WHOLE message and that more is surely to follow (if I am open and paying attention).

The past few days following my last coven meeting have been full of insights, connections, and "Cool!" moments. This is part of why I wanted to join the class. As a solitary, I can't tap into the same things that I can with a group. I need other energies, other magical humans and teachers to introduce perspectives, ideas, and inspiration.

I love when my spiritual self is awake and active and open. I feel like my eyes are open again and that I am in a totally receptive and learning state. My sensitivities are more acute and my abilities more atuned. Although I feel that as a solitary I was always connected and doing good work, this is a different feeling and an enriching way to learn and practice.

I have begun study with the training coven, Grove of Gaia. I'm SO EXCITED about this. After years of being solitary, with some circles, informal groups, and even an attempt at forming a coven thrown in, I've really had a longing to really learn and study the craft and be part of a coven that is active and enriching. I think I've found that in the Grove of Gaia. The teacher is Lady Anabelle who I actually know from years and years ago when I attended one of my first public rituals at a local UU church. She's wonderful, has fantastic energy, and is someone I would love to work closely with. There have been two classes so far and I'm enjoying it. I like the other participants and feel especially drawn to a young man (probably in his early 20s) who has sat next to me both classes. He has a wonderful, sincere, sweet energy but i also sense a real power and integrity in him. He's really the only person, other then Lady Anabelle, that I get any real and strong feeling for.

So, beginning another journey, exploring a little more deeply, and nurturing a little more.

My messages from last class:
"Go, Learn"
"Heal"
"It's In the Trees"

BB!

I have been releasing my will and life to the Universe on a daily basis and the transformation that comes along with that is pretty profound (and painful). Why does spiritual connection and the search for true humility render me so vulnerable and like a ball of exposed nerve endings? I'm finding that when I am in ego and self-centered mode, when I am protecting myself and putting up barriers, I am much more physically and emotionally comfortable. But, when I want real connection and I open myself up to what the Spirit wants for me (and wants from me), along with that comes pain and some sadness. I think living intentionally and with eyes open, I am more vulnerable to the energy of the world around me. The pain comes from KNOWING and SEEING. When I offer myself to my God/dess I have a trust and a KNOWING that I will be protected and that I won't be given more then I can handle. So, when I feel sadness and pain, I KNOW that it is because it is real and because in order to feel the deep joy and love that is on the other side of it I must feel both. I'm right where I should be. The phrase "be careful what you pray for" comes to mind.

Retreating into the woods

I attended a Women's Recovery Retreat last weekend. It was the first time I'd been away from my family for 4 years. It was a much needed retreat and I spent the time refeuling and just being. I spent time in the acres of woods there, which was beautiful. The woods are really all I need. Well, the woods and food and water. lol I connected with my god and the women there, remembering where I came from, where I had been, and how blessed I am today. I feel like Autumn is a great time for that, before the solitude and introspection of Winter. Now I feel ready to pull myself in and "hibernate" for some months, having spiritually recharged and centered. Life is good.